


Death and the Maiden

by orphan_account



Series: Heartlines [1]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Relationships, Eventual Sex, F/M, Force Bond (Star Wars), Force Sensitivity, Force Training, Force Visions, Gen, Hand Jobs, Inappropriate Use of the Force, It's Gonna Get NSFW Later On, Kissing, Kylo Ren Angst, Kylo Ren Backstory, Kylo Ren Redemption, Rated M for Safety, The Force Ships It, Touch-Starved, Vaginal Sex, Virgin Kylo Ren
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-16
Updated: 2018-01-05
Packaged: 2018-08-31 10:15:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 23,704
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8574436
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: "And could love free me from the shadows? Can a bird sing only the song it knows, or can it learn a new song?" - Angela CarterMai Inara has the dubious honor of being the Resistance's only spy in the First Order, spending her days feeding vital information to the rebel agents while trying to avoid getting caught. Her job is fraught with danger, but so far she's managed to keep her head down, until she catches the eye of the infamous Kylo Ren; beginning a relationship that will change both their destinies forever.





	1. Silence Never Betrays You

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry about my terrible summary. I'm so excited to publish this one, guys. This first chapter take place just before TFA, kind of as a prologue, and the whole fic will run through the movie and hopefully beyond. Star Wars experts please take me to task about my inaccuracies, and good writers please give me all the constructive criticism. Thanks for reading!

> “Be silent and safe — silence never betrays you;  
>  Be true to your word and your work and your friend;  
>  Put least trust in him who is foremost to praise you,  
>  Nor judge of a road till it draw to the end.” - John Boyle O'Reilly

The sharp cold splash of water banished the last traces of sleep from Mai’s face and cleared her head of the fog of fatigue that still plagued her. In the three months she’d been on board the _Finalizer,_ she hadn’t had one uninterrupted night’s sleep. Something about the cold black interiors and the constant hum of the engines kept her awake night after night. Or maybe it wasn’t her surroundings. Maybe it was the constant fear of discovery that made sleep so elusive.

Blinking the water from her eyes, she gazed at her reflection in the small mirrored cabinet above her bathroom sink. Wide dark eyes gazed back at her from a thin, pale face - all sharp cheekbones and translucent skin, a sickly, anaemic beauty. In the mirror, she looked delicate, hollow, as if one touch would shatter her. Sighing, Mai turned from the mirror and started the routine that she’d lived by for the last three months.

She dressed in her lieutenant’s uniform - black trousers, dark grey sleeveless shirt, long black jacket with its high collar, knee-length black boots. Running a brush briefly through her short dark brown hair, she positioned her hat carefully, knowing that if her uniform was off by one tiny detail she would be severely punished.

Mai wolfed down a slice of sim-bread and a glass of juice and left her quarters to start her shift. Walking swiftly with her head down, she didn’t see Mitaka until it was too late, knocking his shoulder as he hurried in the opposite direction.

“Ow, watch where you’re - oh, morning Inara.”

“Morning, Mitaka. How’s the mood this morning?”

“Good. I mean, relatively speaking, obviously.”

“Obviously.”

“You’re going to report for duty?”

“Yep. Ready for another exciting day of filing reports and checking inventories. Can’t wait.”

Mitaka laughed nervously. “Well, good luck.”

“See you later,” Mai smiled, then let it drop as she walked away from the other lieutenant. Mitaka was alright - as alright as anyone working for the First Order could be, anyway. Mai had soon learned that there was a certain camaraderie among the lower-ranking officers on board the _Finalizer._ It was the only way to keep going when you worked for the most brutal military in the galaxy. The other officers had to deal with the strict rules, harsh punishments and hard work, but Mai had an even worse ordeal than them - the constant fear of being found out that invaded her every waking moment. The life of a Resistance spy in the heart of the First Order was exhausting, terrifying and demoralizing. If she was discovered, her punishment would be swift and fatal. One slip-up could end her life, and Mai had to live with that knowledge every day. Aside from that, though, she had to admit that her life was pretty boring. As a junior officer, her work consisted of filing paperwork and relaying commands to other sectors of the First Order for superior officers. So far, she had been unable to send anything but snippets of information back to the Resistance, and nothing of great importance whatsoever had reached her ears. She was beginning to hope that her superiors in the Resistance would deem her placement not be worth the danger to her life, and bring her home. But until that happened - if it did happen at all - she had to continue living this strange mix of drudgery and dread.

Her supervising officer regarded her over the file he had just been reading. General Armitage Hux was a severe, cold man that offered no praise to his subordinates and could freeze the blood of any disobedient officer with barely a glance. His sneering, pretentious manner grated on Mai’s nerves, and resisting the urge to punch him had very soon become her greatest challenge. Today, it would seem from Mitaka’s report, he was in a good mood, but honestly it was difficult to tell the difference.

“Lieutenant Inara, reporting for duty sir,” Mai said with a salute, standing respectfully in front of the general’s desk, eyes on the wall behind his head.

“At ease, Inara,” Hux said shortly, regarding her with cold, dark eyes. “You’re excused from desk duty. From now on you’ll be shadowing me.”

“May I ask why, sir?”

“No, you may not. All you need to know is that you’ll no longer be required to do your normal duties. Instead you’ll be directly assisting me.”

Mai suspected that this great honor had little to do with her merit in Hux’s eyes. She had no doubt that Hux greatly disliked her, if he had any opinion of her at all. She had made every effort to control her smart mouth whilst working her way through the First Order, but even the slightest hint of backchat was enough to earn Hux’s ire. No, this promotion had nothing to do with her and everything to with her father. This would certainly please her Resistance handlers, but Mai felt nothing but dread at the thought of being promoted like this. The more useful information she could get for the Resistance, the longer she would have to stay here, and the more danger her life would be in. Not for the first time, Mai wondered how the hell she got into this mess.

She lowered her eyes respectfully. “This is an honor, sir.”

“I know. See that you put this promotion to good use, Inara.”

“I will, sir. Don’t you worry.”

Hux glared at her, suspecting that somehow the diminutive lieutenant was making fun of him, but unable to figure out how exactly.

Shadowing Hux was only slightly less boring than desk duty, Mai observed as the days went on. Whereas before her duties had consisted of fetching and running errands for a variety of superior officers, they were now limited to doing the same thing for General Hux. Mai felt like a mouse, silently scurrying after Hux doing whatever he asked, but she was absurdly grateful that no-one else seemed to notice her. She seemed to simply fade into the background over the next few days; standing silently at Hux’s shoulder, listening to all his meetings and chance encounters with other officers and storing the information away for future reference, all the while getting more and more used to being part of the furniture.

It came as a shock, then, when five weeks later the last person Mai ever expected to be noticed by was the only person who did.

“Lieutenant, is Shuttle Bay One prepared for the arrival of Commander Ren?” Hux barked at Mai as they walked to the shuttle bay, Hux striding ahead with Mai following close behind.

“Yes, General.” The _Finalizer_ had been preparing for the arrival of the mysterious Kylo Ren all week, and Hux had been keeping Mai busy, entrusting most of the organization to her. The Resistance had been most intrigued to learn of the Knight of Ren’s arrival, and had instructed Mai to find out all she could about him, but she felt sure she wouldn’t get within five feet of him. Hux had already made it clear he disapproved of Ren on principle. A man who commanded troops outside of the proper hierarchy had no place in the First Order, as far as Hux was concerned. Force-users, even Darksiders like Ren, were regarded with anger and mistrust by most of the First Order, and Hux was no exception to this - even if Ren was one of only two Force-users left in the whole galaxy.

Hux marched through the assembled squadrons of stormtroopers with Mai at his side, until he came to a halt next to the chrome-armored captain stood at the front of the formation, facing the airlock of the shuttle bay. She inclined her helmeted head to the general respectfully and ignored Mai entirely.

“General Hux.”

“Captain Phasma. Ready to be inspected by our new master?”

“I’d be careful how you talk about him if I were you, General. Apparently Supreme Leader Snoke sets great store by him.”

“Well, I would never question the Supreme Leader’s judgement, of course.”

“Of course.”

“But one can’t help resenting being inspected by a man who holds no formal position within the Order.”

“Not just inspected. I hear Leader Snoke’s planning on installing him here permanently. Is it true?”

Hux clenched one gloved hand into a fist, his face twisting with anger. “Yes, though I’ve no idea as to why. It would seem that the Supreme Leader does not feel as confident in me as he did, so he sends his lap-dog to watch over me.”

Phasma’s expression was hidden by her helmet, but Mai heard the smile in her voice when she replied. “Let’s hope his bark is worse than his bite, then.”

Hux didn’t smile, but that meant very little, as Mai was sure the only facial muscles he possessed were ones that allowed him to frown. “Yes, let’s.”

They were interrupted by the arrival of a black transport shuttle that touched down in the bay, sending a gust of hot air over the assembled troops. Mai felt a shiver run down her spine as the doors opened to allow the shuttle’s passengers to disembark. First came a squadron of stormtroopers, and then their commander, who strode down the ramp to the bay floor with a gait that spoke of power and control. Kylo Ren was pretty much exactly how Mai imagined - tall, black-clad, masked and coldly terrifying. Mai swallowed as he approached Hux, trying to keep her mind calm and composed. Force-users could use their gift to see into people’s minds, which could make a pretty sticky situation for Mai, but if she just stayed calm and blended into the background Ren wouldn’t even notice she was there, let alone bother to look into her mind. She hoped.

“Commander Ren. Welcome to the _Finalizer._ ”

“General,” Ren replied, his voice a metallic growl behind his mask. “I assume you were told why I’m here.”

Mai was pretty sure they could hear Hux grinding his teeth on Hosnian Prime. “Yes. Rest assured, the _Finalizer_ is the pride of the First Order. With our help, your task will be easily accomplished.”

Mai frowned. What task? Hux had just told Phasma he had no idea what Ren was doing on the _Finalizer,_ but that clearly wasn’t true. What the hell was going on here?

“I’ll thank you not to mention _that_ in front of others, General,” Ren replied curtly. Hux’s expression soured even more, if such a thing were possible.

“Have no fear, _Commander,_ ” the general sneered in reply. “Lieutenant Inara is completely loyal to me. She knows not to repeat anything she hears while serving me.”

Mai’s heart stopped as Ren turned to her. Staring into the depths of the eyeless black mask, she felt her heartbeat thunder in her ears, blood rushing to her cheeks as she struggled to control her emotions and keep her mind blank of all thoughts of the Resistance.

“Lieutenant Inara,” Ren said in that deep, metallic voice. “You won’t repeat anything you just heard?”

Mai swallowed. Suddenly she felt desperately thirsty. Her mouth was drier than a desert.

“No, sir.”

Ren regarded her from behind his mask for the longest four seconds of Mai’s life, and then turned away from her, back to Hux.

“Tomorrow I want an intelligence report on all information relevant to our _task,_ General. See that you get it.”

Mai regarded Ren with something approaching awe. She’d never heard anyone issue orders to Hux before. Hux gave Ren a glare that might have killed a lesser man.

“I’m sure Lieutenant Inara will be happy to compile it.”

_Are you now?_ thought Mai. Ren turned back to her, and Mai prayed to every deity from every planet that he wouldn’t notice her fear.

“Send it to me by 0900 tomorrow, Lieutenant.”

“Y-yes, sir.”

Hux pulled himself up to his full height. “You’ll have to excuse me, Commander. The _Finalizer_ doesn’t run itself. Come, Lieutenant.”

Mai scrambled to keep up with Hux, who strode away like he was trying to outrun a Rathtar. She was only too grateful to leave Kylo Ren’s presence, but she glanced behind her all the same, and was shocked to see Ren still gazing after them from the black depths of his mask, though whether he was watching her or Hux she couldn’t tell. Frankly, she didn’t care. She felt sure that one conversation had aged her ten years. It seemed that her position was getting more and more unstable by the second, and she didn’t like this feeling of being way out of her depth. Shadowing Hux wasn’t so bad, but being noticed by one of the most powerful Force-users ever known, and having him onboard with her for however long - that was risk bordering on insanity. It was a miracle he hadn’t found her out just from that one conversation. She had to avoid him as much as possible from now on.

End of shift found Mai in the mess hall with Mitaka and a few other officers, sharing a bottle of sim-whiskey that Petty Officer Lenett had managed to smuggle aboard. Completely against regulation, of course, and also kind of thin and disgusting, but it _was_ alcohol, so they choked it down sat in a ragged circle around a corner table.

“So, what do we make of our new overlord?” Lenett said, leaning forward with a grin.

Thanisson shrugged. “Didn’t get to see much of him. I was too far back, all I could make out was the back of his head. Inara was right there next to him, though.”

Nine pairs of wide eyes fixed on her. Mai gulped down another mouthful of sim-whiskey nervously.

“So?” prompted Lenett. “What was he like?”

“Um...tall. Scary.”

“He said something to you,” Lieutenant Ransome encouraged. “I saw it.”

“What did he say?”

“Oh, y’know, just...asking about the ship’s capabilities, number of troops on board, that sort of thing.”

Lenett’s face fell. “Seriously?”

“Well, what were you expecting?” Mai snapped.

“I don’t know. Something more exciting than that.”

Mai stood up abruptly, setting her glass down. Mitaka glanced up anxiously at her. “Where are you going?”

“Just to bed,” Mai replied hurriedly.

“Are you alright?”

“Yeah, I’m fine, I’m just...tired,” Mai sighed.

Leaving the table, she trudged wearily through the halls to her quarters, contemplating the tasks ahead of her. First, compile that report for Ren. Boring, but safe. Her other task for the night was more dangerous by far. Reporting her information to the Resistance was a risky business, but right now it seemed like it was the highlight of her day. Which spoke volumes about what kind of a day she’d had.

The door slid shut behind her and Mai shrugged off her jacket, set her hat aside and sat down heavily on her bed with a sigh, reaching with one hand for her tablet. She unzipped her boots, flung them off and sat cross-legged on the bed, propped up with a pillow. The black tablet lit up with a dull glow, and Mai set about compiling the relevant reconnaissance reports and messages from First Order informants across the galaxy, making sure to mark down the names of any relevance to the Resistance. Sifting through the information, she frowned. These reports all seemed to be centred on the same thing - a map.

‘Fragment rumored to be on board T Model Freighter headed towards the Central Alliance.’

‘Resistance operatives questioned - no relevant information on location of map fragment. Conclusion - the Resistance is not aware of the existence of the map.’

‘Starship boarded near Takodana - no sign of map, if it was ever on board at all.’

Mai scrolled further down. Whatever this map was, it was clear that the First Order was searching desperately for it, and therefore it was probably a good idea if the Resistance got to it first. Her heartbeat picked up when she scrolled past one report and then flicked back up.

One name stood out in the lines of text: ‘Map to Luke Skywalker thought to be with Lor San Tekka on Jakku.’

Mai threw the tablet aside and grabbed her communicator, punching in the code that allowed her access to her secure channel. An image of Mai’s superior officer, Major Betha Nurbanu, filled the screen.

“Inara, about time. We were beginning to worry.”

“Sorry, Major, I guess I wasn’t keeping track of time.”

“I assume you called to report on your findings today? Has Kylo Ren arrived?”

“Yes. Apparently he’s here with a specific mission in mind. One that isn’t common knowledge, if you know what I mean.”

Nurbanu sighed. “Get to the point, Inara.”

“I’ve been tasked with compiling a report for him. All the intelligence is about one thing - a fragment of a map that the First Order is searching for. A map to Luke Skywalker.”

Even on the grainy screen, Mai could see Nurbanu sit up. For a moment she was silent, and then -

“To Skywalker? Are you sure?”

“The First Order is. They think it’s on a planet called Jakku,” Mai replied. Nurbanu fell silent once again, brow furrowed.

“Send me the reports. I’ll make sure General Organa sees them at once. Well done, Inara.”

After months of feeling nothing but boredom and fear, Mai felt pride swell in her chest, and she remember why she’d agreed to all this in the first place.

“It’s a pleasure, Major.”

“Stay safe, Inara. We need more intelligence like this.”

“Will do, Major. ‘Till next time.”

“Until next time.”

The communicator screen fizzled out, and Mai lay back on the bed with a sigh. Luke Skywalker, alive - that could change everything for the Resistance. And she was the one who found out. Of course, the First Order had the jump on them, and maybe they were wrong and it was nothing after all, but still… Hope bloomed in her chest. With Luke Skywalker in the game, maybe the Resistance could win this thing. She could find a home...make a life for herself...settle down...start a family...

Mai didn’t remember falling asleep, but when she woke she found her alarm beeping, alerting her that she had twenty minutes to shower, dress, eat and report for duty. Jumping up, she showered and dressed in a panic and left her quarters with her hair still damp and a piece of toast clutched in her teeth. She skidded into Hux’s office and stood to attention.

“Lieutenant Inara report...reporting for duty, sir,” she gasped, out of breath.

“At ease Inara...are those crumbs?”

Mai brushed down her coat, blushing. “No, sir.”

“You sent that report to Commander Ren?”

“Yes sir, last night.”

“I want you to send it to me as well. Encrypted, if you will.”

“...Yes sir.”

“And don’t mention it to Commander Ren.”

“No, sir.”

Her duties that day were the same as every other day, but Mai felt more invigorated and motivated than she had in a long time. She couldn’t stop thinking about the map. Had the Resistance sent an agent to collect it from Jakku yet? Would they get to it before Ren sent out a force of his own? Why was he so interested in Luke Skywalker that he would come to the Finalizer personally to oversee the capture of his map? Of course, Mai knew the rumors about Ren’s origins, that he had been a Jedi apprentice before he turned to the Dark Side, that he’d murdered his fellow apprentices; but no-one ever said what happened to Luke Skywalker. Had Ren tried to kill him, and he’d escaped? Was Ren trying to finish the job?

All this was going round and round her head as she scurried through the black corridors of the Finalizer, running another errand for General Hux. She was so caught up in her own thoughts that she didn’t notice a tall, black-clad figure rounding the corner and striding towards her before it was too late. She would have walked into him and bounced off his chest, but for his hands clasping her shoulders and forcing her to halt. Mai looked up, trembling, as Kylo Ren released her and stepped back.

_Shit. Shit shit shit shit shit -_

“You should be more careful Lieutenant.” Was it her imagination, or did she detect a note of amusement in that inhuman voice?

“I’m so s-sorry, Commander. It’s my fault, I wasn’t looking where I was going, I -”

“It’s alright. I was looking for you anyway.”

_Fuck my whole life!_ “For - for me, Commander? Why?”

“Your report was most useful, Lieutenant. I’ve just come from thanking General Hux for so generously lending me his best aide, and asking if I might borrow you to come with me on a mission to Jakku, to help oversee the retrieval of some intelligence.”

_He knows. He used the Force to see into my mind and he knows and now he’s going to have me executed and -_ “That’s - thank you, Commander, that’s a great honor but may I just ask - um, why me, especially?” Her voice was getting more high-pitched and panicked by the second.

“Your skill in compiling and organising information is unparalleled, as far as I can see. I only want the best people on this mission.”

Mai breathed out shakily. “Thank you, Commander. That’s...a great honor.”

“Yes, I’m aware,” he replied, and Mai was sure she could hear a smile in his voice this time.

General Hux regarded her with suspicion over the report he was reading. Mai shifted her weight from one foot to the other nervously, reminded suddenly and overwhelmingly of standing in her father’s office as a child on Ny Sar.

“Why did Commander Ren ask for your assistance on this mission to Jakku?”

“Er...he said he required my expertise in handling information, General.”

“I see,” Hux said in a tone that suggested he understood perfectly well what was going on and did not approve in the slightest. Mai wanted to scream that she didn’t ask for this special treatment, that the last thing she wanted was anything to do with Kylo Ren, that his attention was a disaster for her, but instead she bit her lip and stayed silent under Hux’s glare. In her head, she begged him to do the petty thing and deny Ren’s request.

“Commander Ren has requested your presence in Hangar 1 at 0200 a.m. tomorrow. See that you conduct yourself in a manner that reflects well on my command, Lieutenant.”

Mai saluted, stomach sinking. “Yes, sir.”

Sleep did not come easy that night. Mai tossed and turned on the dark bed like a ship on a stormy sea, the hum of the engines seeming to wrap around her and permeate her being, the dark sheets tangling around her bare white legs. When she finally did slip away, her sleep was disturbed with dreams.

Firelight jerked and shivered on black floorboards, reflecting in their dull, prismatic sheen like oil on water. The high, arched windows gave her a view of the scattered stars and Ny Sar’s twin moons perfectly hanging, like pearl earrings, in the black velvet sky. Mai watched herself approach her father’s chair as if from above, listening as her boots clicked on the floor, watching the trail of melting snow left in her wake. Snow melted in her hair as well, trickled down beneath the collar of her coat and made her shiver. Click, click, click, her slender, dark figure made its way slowly down to the fireplace where her father waited, the shadow of his chair made huge and pointed by the flames, like some cruel monster in a fairytale.

“Mai,” her father said in a cracked, thin voice. “My child. Home at last.”

“I am grateful you would have me back, Father.” Her own voice sounded small and far away. “Please, let me apologise for all the hurt I’ve caused you.” She waited with baited breath for the torrent of abuse he would no doubt unleash, but was shocked when his face split into a weak smile.

“It’s all in the past, my girl. You have seen the error of your ways and have returned to us, that’s all that matters now. Sit, child. I’ve waited so long to see you home, away from the corruption and disorder of that false Republic. At last, you’ve seen their wickedness and come back to the fold. I can’t tell you how proud I am.”

“All I desire is to make you proud, Father.”

“I know. I have no doubt that you will make me prouder still.” He took a long drink of wine. “Child, our fortunes are changing at last. No longer will we skulk in the shadows, shamed and kept down under the rule of that foul Republic. Soon, they will fall, and all will be as it was. Soon, we will rise again, even higher than before, and the name of Inara will inspire fear and awe once again.”

“I’ve waited for this for so long. Tell me what you need me to do.”

“The First Order needs us, my child. Before, under the Empire, the Inaras rose high. I myself sat on the Imperial Ruling Council and oversaw the glorious takeover of the galaxy. But I am an old done man, and the Order needs young, sharp minds if it is to take back power. You will carry on my legacy in the First Order and remind the world of our power and glory.”

“I will do anything you ask, Father. Your message said they already had a position for me?”

“Our name still means something to some people. Commandant Hux had been most helpful in securing you a position. If you can prove yourself useful to the First Order, the position of Lieutenant General on board the _Finalizer_ is yours. You’ll serve under the Commandant’s son, General Hux, right in the centre of the Order.”

_Say no,_ Mai tried to scream. _Say no!_

“Thank you, Father. I promise I won’t let you down.”

“About that I have no doubt. Your brief, foolish infatuation with the Republic means nothing. I know you remain loyal. Go, rest. Tomorrow you’ll leave for the _Finalizer._ ”

Her dream dissolved, fragmented into a thousand different images that flashed by her like a train speeding past. A battle in the snow. A massacre on a rain-lashed planet. A lonely girl wandering amongst the skeletons of dead starships. A dark haired little boy crying. She could hear the voices in his head, whispering foul things to him in the dead of night. They frightened her so much that she woke with a start, and for a second as her eyes adjusted to the gloom she had no idea where she was. She checked the time - 01:07. She sighed, sat up, kicked off her sweat soaked sheets. She would get no more sleep tonight.

 


	2. Into the Abyss of the Dark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mai witnesses combat for the first time, learns something curious about Kylo Ren, and is forced to make a choice when an old friend unexpectedly crosses her path.

 

> "One false step, oh, my poor dear girl...one false step and into the abyss of the dark you stumbled." - Angela Carter

At 0200 Mai was stood in Hangar 1, head pounding after her sleepless night, awaiting her fate. Kylo Ren’s black transport shuttle was crouched like some monstrous bat on the floor of the hangar, while around it squadrons of shining white Stormtroopers marched in formation onto their own shuttles. Mai shivered despite the relative warmth, feeling lost in the vast expanse of shining black and white, the sound of shouts and footsteps echoing around the vast space.

She dropped her head out of force of habit when Ren approached her, that familiar thrill of fear running through her. He strode to the shuttle, gesturing for Mai to follow.

“Lieutenant Inara. Thank you for joining us.” The polite words sounded so odd said in his robotic growl.

“Thank you for asking for me, sir,” Mai replied quietly, hoping that if she gave brief replies, he would get bored and leave her alone. Surely he would get bored? What did she, an anonymous lieutenant, have that interested the likes of Kylo Ren so much? Mai dreaded the answer to that question. She hoped that the fact she was still alive was proof that Ren knew nothing of her treachery, but a nagging feeling told her that he knew more than he was letting on. Was he playing a game with her? Why, when he could simply report that she was a spy and see her executed on the spot? Did it amuse him to see her fear?

She pondered her options as she sat in the shuttle, listening to the smooth hum of the engines as they sped towards the dusty orange planet that hung beneath the hull of the _Finalizer_ as if suspended from it. They landed in the centre of a small village, heralded by the sound of blaster fire and the screams of the villagers. Sparks flew and fires blossomed like huge orange flowers from the ruins of houses and the wreckage of an X-Wing some distance away. Mai’s stomach turned over when she saw it. The Resistance was already here, but clearly the pilot hadn’t made it off Jakku. Her information had come to nothing.

The sights of even that small skirmish seemed hellish to Mai’s inexperienced eyes. She tore her eyes away from the crumpled, bloody body of an young boy and tried not to listen to the terrified screams of the villagers as the Stormtroopers herded the survivors into a small huddle. One man stood out from the rest, holding himself with dignity and nobility even in old age. Mai hung back near the shuttle and tried to make herself as small as possible as Kylo Ren approached the man, watching the scene with wide, horrified eyes.

“Look how old you’ve become,” came the metallic drawl, distorted by his mask.

“Something far worse has happened to you,” the man replied, regarding Ren with a grim gaze.

“You know what I’ve come for.”

“I know where you come from. Before you called yourself Kylo Ren.”

Mai’s heart stopped. A thousand questions ran through her mind. But before she could think -

“The map to Skywalker. We know you found it. And now you’re going to give it to the First Order.”

“The First Order rose from the Dark Side... _you_ did not.”

For a moment Mai forgot their awful surroundings and her own fear and focused entirely on what had just been said. Her curiosity about Ren’s origins overwhelmed her. She thought about what Lenett would say if she told him Kylo Ren wasn’t always a Darksider and bit back an insane burst of laughter.

Ren stepped closer to the man. “I’ll show you the Dark Side.”

“You may try. But you cannot deny the truth that is your family.”

“You’re so right.”

A feeling of dread crept over Mai, like someone had walked over her grave. Some impulse made her open her mouth to shout a warning, but before she could Ren’s lightsaber was ignited and raised over his head. He brought it down on the old man, slashing a horrific, burning gash down his side. He crumpled to the ground, clearly dead.

Mai bit into her fist to keep from screaming. Tears filled her eyes and she prayed no-one could see her distress, but they were all distracted by a burst of blaster fire from behind a low hill. Ren turned, thrust out his hand and...no, surely that couldn’t be right. Mai blinked. The bolt of blue energy shivered, held in midair, the man who fired it frozen in place.The sheer casual _power_ behind the action transfixed Mai as well. She had never known the Force could be used like that.

Then she noticed who Ren’s assailant was, and a wave of cold dread settled over her.

 _Poe._ She knew him, they’d met on D’Qar… A thousand thoughts flitted through her mind. First: _Ren will kill him, he’ll kill him and I’ll have to watch, oh, please don’t make me watch…_ She had a coward’s heart that flinched at any death and violence, let alone the death of someone she _knew_ . Second, more selfish: _Poe knows me. What if he sees me, recognises me, Ren will know and then we’ll both die…_ She couldn’t believe that her whole life had led up to this moment, this end, a flash of burning red and her blood soaking into the sands. Third, almost an afterthought: _Where’s the map? Did he hide it somehow?_ Her hands trembled and she wiped her sweaty palms shakily on her coat. Two Stormtroopers ran to Poe, and Mai cringed as they punched him and he doubled over with a cry. Ren loomed over him and Poe looked up - looked behind him- saw Mai, pale with fear. Recognition flashed in his eyes, but no more. If Ren noticed, he gave no sign, and Mai watched with baited breath as he crouched, putting his face level with Poe’s.

“...So who talks first? You talk first, I talk first?”

Mai bit her lip. _Poe, shut up, you idiot…_

Ren did not react. “The old man gave it to you…” For a second Mai wondered how he knew, then cursed herself for a fool. Of course he knew. Never forget, stupid girl, you cannot hide anything from him.

“It’s just very hard to understand you with all the…”

Ren was already turning away. “Search him.”

“Apparatus…” Poe trailed off as the Stormtroopers hauled him to his feet, always making jokes even in the tensest of moments. Mai had admired that about him, that foolhardy bravery, so different from her own crippling fear. They patted him down, and Mai held her breath.

“Nothing, sir.”

She let out the breath shakily. _So where is it?_

“Put him on board.”

The Stormtroopers dragged him away, and to his credit Poe never once looked back at Mai, knowing  better than to expose her like that. She knew he’d expect her to help him, however, and dreaded making the choice between him and her cover.

Phasma approached Ren.

“Sir, the villagers…?”

Mai knew the answer before he said it, nausea overwhelming her. She turned her back, unable to watch.

“Kill them all.”

“On my command...fire.”

Blaster fire and screams echoed in her ears as Mai moved as if in a dream back to the shuttle.

Back on the _Finalizer,_ all Mai wanted was to crawl back into her bed and cry herself to sleep. The last thing she needed was more one-on-one conversation with that masked monster, but it was as if he was haunting her.

“Lieutenant Inara. I’m sorry you had a wasted trip.”

Mai swallowed. “That’s alright sir, I…”

“Don’t tell me you enjoyed it. I saw your reaction.”

She forced herself to look up at the black hole of his mask.

“I...I don’t know what you -”

“Oh, I think you do. Don’t worry, I understand. Experiencing that kind of combat for the first time can be overwhelming. You get used to it.”

 _You get_ used _to massacring whole villages?_ “Thank you sir, I’m...I’m sure I’ll be alright soon.”

Mai could sense him scrutinizing her from behind the mask. “I’m sure we’ll be needing more of your help once I extract the location of the map from that Resistance operative.” At the reminder of Poe’s imminent torture, Mai’s nausea came back with a vengeance.

“Of course, sir...please excuse me, I have to get back to my post.”

She practically ran back to her quarters and collapsed in the bathroom, retching into the toilet. The room span and Mai rested her head on the cool metal of the bathroom wall, trying to calm herself, tears flooding down her cheeks. _You’d think experiencing constant fear would deaden the sensation,_ Mai pondered dully, _but each time I feel it is as bad the last._ All through her deeply unhappy childhood and her placement in the First Order, Mai had experienced huge amounts of trauma, heartbreak and fear, but she never seemed to get any tougher. It made her sick to think of Poe, so brave and defiant in the face of almost certain death; and her, crying like a baby on the floor, unable to lift a finger to help him. Her father had been right. She _was_ weak.

She didn’t know how long she stayed like that - it could have been half an hour, or a hundred years. She became dimly aware of the beep of her communicator, piercing through the fog of misery that surrounded her. Picking herself up, she grabbed it from her bedside and read the display, drying her eyes on her sleeve.

_Interrogation Room 2. Now. - General Hux._

Mai sighed. _Once more into the breach._ She straightened her uniform, washed her face and left the room with a resigned feeling of dread.

Hux was waiting for her outside the interrogation room. Mai tried studiously to ignore what she knew was happening to one of her friends inside that room, but her efforts failed when she caught a glimpse of Poe’s bloodied, limp form as Kylo Ren strode from the room. At first, all she wanted was to run from him, unable to unsee what he did to the villagers on Jakku, but suddenly something the old man said came back to her. _The First Order rose from the Dark Side..._ you _did not._

Even as she remembered, she knew somehow it was true. There was more to Kylo Ren that met the eye, and despite her fear and her near-overwhelming desire to get as far away from him as possible, Mai was curious about him.

“It’s in a droid,” Ren said shortly to Hux. “A BB unit.”

 _Of course._ Mai recalled clearly the first time she and Poe had met - his little orange and white droid had bumped into her in the mess hall. The loyal little thing followed him everywhere - it was no surprise it had been on Jakku too. A tiny spark of hope reignited in Mai’s chest. Maybe, just maybe, BB-8 could get off the planet and get the map to the Resistance before the First Order caught up with it. It was a slim chance, but a chance nonetheless.

“Well then,” Hux replied smugly. “If it’s on Jakku we’ll soon have it.”

“I leave that to you,” Ren said shortly, striding past him. He paused at Mai’s side. “Lieutenant, once we have that map I’ll require you to analyse the data for me.”

“Yes, sir.”

Hux glared at her. “Commander Ren seems to have taken a special interest in you.”

“Yes, sir,” Mai replied blandly.

“Well...just make sure you remember where your first loyalty lies.”

“Yes, sir. To the First Order, sir. To you.”

That seemed to appease him, for he actually smirked, the first time Mai had seen him make any expression that wasn’t directly related to a frown.

“Good. You’re relieved, Inara.”

“Thank you, sir.”

Mai breathed out a sigh of relief as she rounded the corner. Now all she needed to do was report these new developments to Major Nurbanu. The Resistance needed to know that their best pilot had been captured, and to be on the lookout for BB-8.

After Mai had finished her story, Nurbanu sighed, leaning back in her chair. It was hard to tell on the flickering, grainy monitor, but Mai could safely assume her expression was one of weary resignation.

“Well, at least the droid has the map, and not the Order. Have they captured it yet?”

“If they had, I’d be there right now. They know it’s on Jakku, but it could have gotten off-planet by now. Maybe they won’t catch it.”

“That’s the spirit, Inara,” her commander said wryly.

“Well, what choice do we have? If we believe they’ll catch the droid, we may as well give up now. As long as the droid is free, we have a chance to find Luke Skywalker before the First Order does.”

Mai thought she saw a smile flicker across the stern major’s face, but it may have just been the monitor jumping.

“It’s times like these I’m reminded why you were the only operative we considered putting undercover, Inara.”

“Because you hate me and you want my life to be a living hell?” Mai quipped, brushing off the major’s implied compliment.

“Don’t backchat me, Lieutenant. I may not be with you right now, but I’m still your commanding officer.”

“Yes, Major. Sorry Major.”

“What are your chances of aiding Dameron’s escape without getting caught?”

“Slim to none. To do anything really useful, I’d have to break cover. For now, either we both stay, or we both leave together.” Mai couldn’t help feeling a slight twinge of guilt at the thought of letting Poe languish in a First Order cell, but she didn’t see how it could be helped.

Nurbanu sighed again. “Well, I don’t like it, but for now your orders are to keep your head down and leave Dameron to his fate. He’s a big boy, I’m sure he’ll work something out.”

“...Yes, major.”

Mai was well used to her strange, vivid dreams by now. No sooner had she dozed off on her bed, than the dream started up like a projection in her mind.

She seemed to be watching from a distance as a tall man with brown hair and a petite, beautiful dark-haired woman argued in a kitchen. The vision was hazy, and she could make out only snatches of their conversation.

_“He’s just sensitive...not his fault...he’ll grow…”_

_“We can’t help him...I don’t know how...Luke could…”_

_“No...he needs...can’t send him away...something’s wrong…”_

_“Exactly why we should…”_

From across the room, a little boy watched from the doorway. Mai could just make out the tears glistening on his cheeks. _The First Order rose from the Dark Side..._ you _did not...did not...did not..._

Planets exploding, screams echoing, someone falling from a great height and Mai was falling with him, falling, falling, falling; the darkness swallowed her up and she woke with a start. Somewhere, an alarm was blaring.

Mai rubbed the sleep from her eyes and scrambled into her clothes, poking her head out of her door. People were running, shouting orders at each other, the alarm still wailing over all the noise. Mai grabbed the arm of someone as they ran past.

“What the fuck is going on?”

“Prisoner escape, apparently. All hands on deck.”

 _Prisoner escape…_ Mai ran as fast as she could to the bridge.

The bridge was calm as always, even in the midst of a chaotic escape. When Hux saw her he immediately started issuing orders.

“Lieutenant Inara, get to your post and check the register to see which Stormtrooper is missing. I want their name.”

“Yes, sir.” She hurried, head down, to her post but did nothing, listening carefully as Kylo Ren strode towards the general.

“General Hux. Is it the Resistance pilot?”

“Yes.” Mai’s heart leapt. _Get as far away as you can, Poe!_

“And he had help. From one of our own.” Hux was clearly furious, Mai noted with a glimmer of malicious glee. “We’re checking the registers now to identify which Stormtrooper it was.”

“The one from the village,” Ren replied with chilling certainty. “FN-2187.” Mai filed the name away for future reference. Useful for the Resistance to know that Stormtroopers could break through their conditioning. She typed in the name and got his details up, examining his face on the screen. On the surface, he looked handsome but otherwise completely ordinary. What was it about him that allowed him to break through a lifetime of brainwashing?

The _Finalizer_ continued to fire on Poe’s stolen TIE-fighter, and Mai waited with baited breath to see if he made it. General Hux and Captain Phasma approached her station, and she stood back respectfully as they talked.

Mai stared at the face of the Stormtrooper who’d done what she couldn’t and helped Poe escape, lit up on the screen in front of them. FN-2187. _Great,_ she thought sourly to herself. _Now I’m less principled than a damn Stormtrooper._

At least this little adventure had pissed off Hux. He glared at the face on the screen as if he wanted to reach through and punch the rogue Stormtrooper.

“No prior signs of non-conformity?”

“This was his first offense,” Captain Phasma replied smoothly. Mai was loving every second of this. One of Hux’s beloved little kidnap victims going rogue? Even if FN-2187 and Poe didn’t survive, it was still a blow to the First Order.

“General. They’ve been hit.” _No. Please. He was so close…_

“Destroyed?”

“Disabled. They were headed back to Jakku. The fighter’s projected to crash in the Goazon badlands.” Mai didn’t relax. They might not be dead yet, but the crash could very well kill them, and no doubt Hux would send a squad down to finish the job.

“They were going back for the droid. Send a squad to the wreckage.” Mai’s heart sunk. Now their only chance was the droid escaping, and with a squadron of Stormtroopers hot on its tail that was looking less and less likely. It was times like this Mai wondered what use she was at all to the Resistance. All the information she gave them seemed to do nothing but get people killed.

Mitaka approached them nervously. “Sir, message from High Command.”

Mai knew better than to look over Hux’s shoulder to see the message as they walked up the bridge, but she didn’t have to when Ren approached, matching Hux’s pace.

Mai scurried along, desperately trying to keep up with the long, furious strides of Hux and Ren, as well as hide her amusement at their bickering.

“Supreme Leader Snoke was explicit. Capture the droid if we can but destroy it if we must.”

“How capable are your soldiers General?” Mai was once again grudgingly impressed with Ren’s nerve.

“I won’t have you question my methods,” Hux snapped, clearly rattled.

“They’re obviously skilled at committing high treason.” Mai sucked in her cheeks to keep from giggling. “Perhaps Leader Snoke should consider using a clone army.”

 _Oh, don’t say that. He hates it when people insult his pet Stormtroopers._ Ren cocked his head as he and Hux drew to a halt, and Mai got the sudden sick feeling that he knew what she was thinking.

“My men are exceptionally trained, programmed from birth,” Hux protested, scandalised by the fact that someone was daring to question him.

“Then they should have no problem retrieving the droid. Unharmed,” Ren said dangerously, towering over the general. Hux drew himself up to his full height.

“Careful, Ren,” he said softly, “That your personal interest not interfere with orders from Leader Snoke.”

 _There they go again with the personal interest thing. Why_ does _he want this map to Skywalker so damn bad?_

“I want that map,” Ren replied chillingly. “For your sake, I suggest you get it.” Mai remembered the hellish glow of the red lightsaber and the mutilated body lying on the sands of Jakku and shivered. Ren moved past Hux, leaving him stood silent and shocked. Mai watched him go, thinking. Something was deeply, deeply wrong here. She felt it every time she was in Ren’s presence, a deep-seated feeling of unease that went beyond her own fear. Nothing she had encountered so far in the First Order made her feel as uncomfortable as Kylo Ren did.

The suspense of waiting for news of Poe, FN-2187 and BB-8 dragged the rest of Mai’s shift on for what felt like years. Finally, she was sat in her usual spot in the mess hall, listening raptly along with the others to Mitaka.

“So Hux tells me to inform Commander Ren, and I’m just terrified, you know -” A chorus of agreement from the other officers drowned out the end of his sentence. Mai hushed them irritably.

“Thanks Inara - so I find him, and he’s just stood there, back to me, and I’m freaking out, right? And I tell him that the droid escaped on a freighter and he just says ‘The droid...stole a freighter?’ and then I have to tell him it had help from that damn Stormtrooper and he just goes crazy -”

“The droid escaped?” This time it was the others that shouted at her to shut up. Mitaka nodded.

“Yeah, with the Stormtrooper, like I said. And he says ‘Is that all?’ or something and I say ‘There was a girl’ and he…” Mitaka trailed off, going pale. “He holds out his hand and I can’t move, I’m like...choking, lifted off the ground...I swear I thought I was going to die.”

The others gave each other horrified looks or made sympathetic noises at Mitaka, but Mai only cared about one thing.

“What girl?”

Mitaka gave her a strange look. “That’s what he asked. Some scavenger girl or something. She piloted the freighter off Jakku. Hang on - Inara, where are you going?”

“To bed,” Mai shot over her shoulder, crossing the room in three steps and slamming the door shut behind her, leaving the other officers mystified.

“It made it off-planet!”

Nurbanu rubbed her eyes blearily. “Inara, it’s midnight. What the hell are you talking about?”

“BB-8! Poe Dameron’s droid! It made it off Jakku with the map, with a rebel Stormtrooper and some girl, I don’t know where they are but I can find out! Major, if we can pick them up safely, we can find Luke Skywalker!” Mai bounced on the bed, unable to hide her jubilation.

“What about Dameron? Did he make it?”

Mai’s heart sank. In her joy, she had forgotten about Poe. “I...I haven’t heard anything, Major.” Guilt overwhelmed her. She didn’t know what she could have done to help Poe, but that didn’t make her feel any better about her inaction.

Nurbanu sighed. “Well, that’s that. Anything else you hear, tell us. And Inara…”

“Yes, Major?”

“Get some damn sleep. You look exhausted.”

Mai put the comm aside and sat quietly for a moment, pondering Nurbanu’s parting words. _Get some damn sleep…_ Easier said than done. Her dreams frightened and mystified her so much she was afraid to go back to sleep. She felt like she was seeing something she shouldn’t be. Ever since she could remember, her dreams had been that vivid and confusing, and sometimes...sometimes, they came true. Mai didn’t want anything she had been dreaming about recently to come to pass. As if not dreaming could stop the horror from actually happening, she sat up all night in the middle of the bed, forcing herself to stay awake, until morning came.


	3. You Can't Wake Up, This Is Not A Dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mai is forced to stand by as her terrible premonitions come true, but gets a chance to do some real good; Kylo reveals something Mai never expected, as the event that will change everything for them draws nearer.

 

>   _"_ You can't wake up, this is not a dream,
> 
> You're part of a machine, you are not a human being." - Halsey

The dreams were so frequent now, so inescapable, that sleep became unbearable. Her exhaustion was so absolute, so debilitating, that staying awake became impossible. Mai shut her ears to the screams and cries of the future and tried to concentrate on the present, but the present wasn’t much better.

With hindsight, she could see that the whole day she had known what was about to happen. She had dreamt of it so often, each one become sharper and clearer. But instead of acknowledging that _something_ was wrong, she had pushed down the feeling like she had done all her life. Persuaded herself that if she just pretended she was normal, she would become normal. Nothing special. Just another anonymous First Order officer, like any other.

What a stupid, _stupid_ little girl she had been. Because of her fear, countless people were dead.

Her day started off bad. When she woke up the _Finalizer_ was orbiting Starkiller Base, the planet the First Order had turned into an enormous superweapon. That alone should have set alarm bells off in her head; unfortunately she was more bothered by the rumors that BB-8, FN-2187 and the mysterious scavenger girl had been spotted on Takodana, with a surprising ally.

“ _Han Solo?_ Are you _sure?”_

Mitaka nodded furiously. “Yeah. Apparently that freighter they stole? The _Millennium Falcon_.”

“No way…” Mai murmured.

“Yep. I shouldn’t think he’ll be much help to them, though. Ren’s going to Takodana himself to capture the droid. FN-2187, the girl and Solo will all be dead by tomorrow.”

Mai prayed Mitaka wasn’t right. After all the build-ups and let-downs she’d been through, she didn’t think she could handle a disappointment like that.

“By the way, General Hux told me to tell you you’re going planetside today. Lucky you.”

“Yeah, lucky me,” Mai replied absently, already forgetting what Mitaka had said. She got up abruptly and found a quiet corner where she could tap out a message to her Resistance handler.

_First Order is already aware that BB-8 is on Takodana. Hurry._

She prayed that would be enough to save them, but given her track record she felt it unlikely.

Starkiller Base reminded Mai overwhelmingly of Ny Sar, which was anything but comforting. The jagged black sentinels rose out of the swirling snow like monsters in a fairytale as the shuttle touched down inside the hangar. Mai shivered as she stepped out, drawing her coat tighter around her as she followed Hux inside the base.

“Wait outside for me,” Hux instructed her tersely as they stopped outside an enormous door.

Mai fidgeted, burning with curiosity about what they were discussing inside. The wait stretched on for years. Mai could sense that something was building, something important, and her feeling of dread should have warned her; she pushed the feeling down instead of listening.

At last, the doors opened. Kylo Ren left first; Mai watched him go and felt a flash of emotion - fear, confliction, pain and a glimpse of hope. She stared after him, disorientated by the sensation,  dimly aware of Hux saying something to her, as if from far away.

“Sorry, General - what was that?”

Hux sighed with irritation. “I _said,_ go to Control and instruct them to begin targeting and firing preparations. Pay attention when I’m speaking to you, Lieutenant.”

“Yes sir, I’m sorry - _firing,_ did you say?”

“Yes.” Hux had a terrible look of smug anticipation on his face that turned Mai’s stomach. “The target is the Hosnian System. We fire in one hour. This is a historic day Lieutenant.”

Mai’s knees felt weak and she fought to keep upright, head spinning. _No, this isn’t - this isn’t right, we had time, I told them we had time to destroy it -_

“But sir, I thought the weapon wasn’t ready -”

“Did I ask for your opinion, Lieutenant?”

“N-no, sir, but -”

“Don’t question your orders, Inara, simply carry them out,” he told her superciliously, turning away and leaving Mai stranded and struggling to keep calm, leaning against the wall of the corridor. This was what she had been dreaming of and dreading. She had tried to hide, but the future had found her anyway.

Thanks to Mai, the Resistance had known about Starkiller Base for some time, just not how to destroy it. Mai had been under the impression that the weapon was still not fit for use, and that she had time to somehow find its weakness and tell the Resistance. She had been wrong, and if she didn’t tell Major Nurbanu right away, millions of innocent lives would be lost.

She had one hour. One hour to save the combined populations of five planets.

Her legs were taking her to Starkiller’s command centre, but Mai paid no mind to where she was going, shakily punching in the secure code to her comm as it threatened to slip from her sweat-soaked, trembling fingers.

“Major, thank the gods I got through to you. There’s going to be an attack on the Hosnian System, all the planets destroyed, you have to tell them to evacuate now, I -”

“Inara, slow down. I thought you said their weapon was nowhere near ready?” Nurbanu was pale with shock.

“I know, I thought it was, Hux must have been keeping it a secret all this time - I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” Mai sobbed, feeling hot tears of panic starting to spill down her cheeks.

“It’s not your fault, you couldn’t have known.” Nurbanu sighed. “How long have we got?”

Mai checked the time and shivered. “45 minutes. I can delay them a little, Hux sent me to give the order to prepare but I haven’t reached Control yet. Can you evacuate them in that time?”

Nurbanu shook her head, tight-lipped. “No.”

“But - Major, if we don’t evacuate -”

“It’s impossible to even start one planet-wide evacuation in that time, let alone complete five. We’d never even get ten people off-planet. Besides...if we begin evacuation, the First Order will know we have a spy on Starkiller Base. Since at the moment the only people who know about the attack are you, General Hux, Snoke and Kylo Ren…”

Mai filled in the blanks herself. “They’ll execute me on the spot. Major…” She took a deep, shaky breath. “Let them. Even if it only saves a few people, it’s better than doing nothing. Start the evacuation.”

Nurbanu shook her head. “Not going to happen, Inara. I won’t lose our only spy in the First Order to save a handful of lives. Your placement could save countless more.”

“More than the populations of five planets!? Major, please…” Mai tried to protest, but in her heart she was relieved that Nurbanu thought her life was worth more, and was disgusted with herself.

“I’m sorry, Mai,” Nurbanu said gently. Mai was taken aback by the use of her first name. “I know this is hard, but it’s just not worth it. It’s too late to save them now. It’s not your fault, you couldn’t have seen this coming.”

_But I did see it coming._

“What are you saying?”

“I’m saying...get on with your job. There’s nothing you can do now. We have to let this happen.” The screen went black as Nurbanu hung up. Mai stopped outside the door to Control, stunned. Could she really just let this happen? What choice did she have? She could sabotage the attack, destroy the weapon somehow, but that would most likely cost her life. She wished she was the kind of person who could put the lives of others above their own like that, but she wasn’t. All she wanted was to crawl into some small dark corner and shut out the world. She didn’t have the spine to do anything but watch the Hosnian System be destroyed. _You stood by and watched Ren kill those villagers on Jakku. This isn’t any different,_ she told herself. She left Control, rounded the corner, and slid down the wall, burying her head in her arms as rough sobs shook her skinny frame.

Time passed, as time generally does.

All too soon she was called to the viewing deck. Below her were a thousand blank masks, black and white helmets glinting in the weak light. The air was frigid, and her legs were still weak from shock, trembling as she walked to take her place behind Hux. She didn’t know how she was going to stay upright through this. Hux was saying something. Shouting something. Mai didn’t know what and she didn’t care. All she knew was that she was trapped in a waking nightmare.

The ground was shaking like it would crack and crumble and swallow her up. She hoped it would, hoped for a miracle to happen and for all of this to just _stop. Please, please let it stop._

The mouth of hell opened up and a column of brilliant light burst forth, bathing the thousands of rows of Stormtroopers in its glow, reflecting in Hux’s madman’s eyes, blinding Mai along with her tears. Millions upon millions of screams echoed in her mind, abject terror overwhelming her. She fought to keep her face neutral, to not betray her feelings, as tears filled her eyes. In the distance, almost too far away for the eye to see, five pale red dots glowed briefly in the sky and then winked out.

Drained, emotionally and physically, Mai followed Hux back inside the base. His smugness was almost too much to bear. Mai had never hated him, her family or the First Order more than in that moment. Briefly, she contemplated how easy it would be to knock him down...kick him...beat him until his face was nothing more than a red pulp, blood spurting and bones splintering under her hands… Shocked and horrified at herself, she snapped out of it.

“I must go to the Supreme Leader at once and tell him of my success...Inara, go and find Ren. I need a report on the Takodana incident.”

Mai glared at him for a final moment before replying. “Yes, General.” She turned and walked away from him.

Resentment burned in her - at Hux, for being such a smug evil bastard, at her father for the way he glorified the depravity of the First Order, at the Resistance for making her work for these monsters...but most of all at herself, for not warning the Resistance in time. For being a selfish, weak coward. She may have hated Hux, but she hated herself more.

A Stormtrooper told her she’d find Ren in Cell 8. Not wishing to walk in on another scene of cruelty after the ordeal she’d just witnessed, Mai waited outside. She jumped when the door opened with a pneumatic hiss and a tall figure in black robes stormed out.

“Commander Ren, General Hux sent me to -” She stopped short, heat flooding to her face as she noticed he was missing his mask. Their eyes met for the first time, twin sets of brown eyes looking into each other, widened with mirrored surprise. Mai felt a sudden surge of recognition as she looked into those dark eyes. She had seen this face before.

“Lieutenant Inara,” he acknowledged. Without the mask his voice was husky, deep. Mai didn’t know what she’d imagined to be under that mask. Something horrible, maybe, scars or disfigurement. Certainly not...beauty. That was the only word for him, for his thick dark wavy hair, his soft full lips, his doe brown eyes. His cheeks were flushed with embarrassment as hers were. He hadn’t expected to see her here, or he would have replaced the mask. It was almost comical, Mai pondered; that beneath that menacing metal mask there was a face that looked so innocent and appealing - almost feminine.

He cleared his throat, and Mai was mortified to realise she had been staring, open-mouthed, for some seconds.

“Uh - sir, General Hux asked me - he sent me to ask you what - your report, on the Takodana incident -”

“Yes,” he said hurriedly. “I retrieved the scavenger girl from Takodana. We haven’t - that is I haven’t managed to extract the map from her mind just yet. Tell General Hux that I’ll have it soon enough, though.” Which Mai took to mean that the slip of a girl she had glimpsed before the cell door slid shut had resisted the powers of the great Kylo Ren. Hux was going to be ecstatic when she told him.

An awkward moment lingered between the two of them. Now that Mai could see the expressions flitting across his face, she found him much less mysterious and therefore much less frightening. She supposed that was the point. She couldn’t help feeling she had seen something she shouldn’t have, glanced behind the curtain - revealed, shock horror, that the terrifying monster Kylo Ren was nothing more than an angry, good-looking young man not much older than her. It was now far easier to believe that he had not always been the murderer she’d seen on Jakku - she could almost imagine him as a little boy. 

“I should - Leader Snoke is expecting me,” he said in that same quick, awkward tone of voice. If she hadn’t known better, Mai could have sworn he was _nervous._

“Yes, of course - I’m sorry to keep you waiting, sir,” she said, stepping aside to allow him to pass. She watched him go and was shocked to see him glance back at her before hurrying around the corner. Mai stood for a moment to take in the surreal experience. What in the world had just happened?

“He just left the droid on Takodana?” Hux’s voice was filled with incredulous delight.

“Yes, sir. Once the Resistance fighters arrived he took the girl and left.”

“He left Han Solo alive? And FN-2187?”

“Yes, sir, both are assumed to have been picked up by the Resistance.”

Hux’s smile was a twisted, unpleasant caricature of real human emotion. “I must see Supreme Leader Snoke at once. You are dismissed, Lieutenant.”

“Yes, sir.”

The wail of a siren confirmed what Mai had been dreading. The weapon was being charged again. She asked a fellow officer if she knew what the target was.

“The Resistance base. D’Qar. Why?” she asked, frowning with confusion.

“No reason,” she replied distractedly, already walking away. She brought out her comm and tapped off a brief message to the Resistance. The gods knew what good it would do them. Then, fueled by anger, she had an uncharacteristic burst of rebellion. Using her security clearance she brought up the base’s schematics on the computer, downloaded them, and sent them along with her message. Never mind that if the First Order cared to look, they’d clearly see that she’d downloaded secret plans to their most powerful weapon and sent them to an unknown party; she was sick of standing by, waiting for orders. Finally, she was doing something _useful._ After the Hosnian System, her little act of rebellion felt like an exorcism - cleaning her of the sick, guilty feeling she had been carrying around. She was ever the pessimist, though - she had little hope that the plans would help the Resistance defeat the First Order. 

Still feeling fired up with anger and completely reckless, Mai headed back to Cell 8. Maybe she could release the scavenger girl as well, trick the guard, get her out and help her steal a TIE-fighter. But when she reached the cell the door was already open, the guard gone and the shackles lying empty.

Whirling around and rounding a corner, Mai walked straight into a slender, brown-haired girl dressed in a dust coloured tunic. Looking at this girl, Mai felt something like recognition, like they were the same somehow. The girl pointed the blaster in her hands between Mai’s eyes, her aim wobbling as she glared, wide-eyed and terrified.

“If you call for help, I’ll shoot, I swear!” she cried, trying her best to sound threatening. Mai shushed her.

“Be quiet! If they find us we’re both fucked.” Mai grabbed her arm, wrapping a hand around her mouth to muffle her protests and dragged her down behind an archway as a squadron of Stormtroopers jogged past.

When they were safely gone, the scavenger squirmed her way out of Mai’s grasp.

“Why did you help me?” she demanded.

“I’m with the Resistance,” Mai admitted out loud for the first time. “You have to steal a ship and get out of here. Go left at the end of this corridor, keep going until you reach the blast doors, you'll find yourself in a hangar. You'll have to figure it out yourself from there. Understand?”

The taller girl nodded. “What’s your name?”

“That - that doesn’t matter,” Mai dismissed her impatiently, but this girl was stubborn.

“I’m Rey. And you are?”

Mai glared at her.

_“And you are?”_

“I’m Mai, now can you please go?”

Mai watched as Rey ran down the corridor and disappeared around the corner. Then she let out a shaky breath, and slid down the wall, heartbeat thundering. Today had put ten years on her, and Mai felt sure it wasn't over yet. As if to confirm that feeling, her comm beeped. Mai fished it out of her pocket, wiping sweat-soaked hands on her trousers. The message from Major Nurbanu was short and to the point.

 _Plans to Starkiller Base recieved. Operation to destroy base in effect._   _Evacuation_ _advised_. _\- Nurbanu_

Now that her little fit of recklessness was over, she realised she quite liked living, and wasn’t ready to give it up just yet, even for a good cause. The sirens still blared, and Mai knew that the Resistance was running out of time. When the light disappeared from the surface, it would all be over.

Mai stood in the corridor, at a loss as to what to do. Should she steal a TIE-fighter and leave? Maybe that was the best option, given that if the Resistance succeeded, the planet would be blown to bits. And if they didn’t succeed, Mai would have no-one left to report back to anyway, so what was the point of staying? If she didn’t leave now, she never would. And yet, something kept her rooted to the spot, unable to spring into action. Some feeling in her gut told her she needed to stay. If Mai had learned anything in last few days, it was that ignoring her gut feelings was a bad idea.

The answer to her question strode round the corner at that moment, flanked by Stormtroopers. He had replaced his helmet, Mai noticed. She shrank back into the wall, as he passed her by, relieved and, to her dismay, a little disappointed that he hadn’t so much as glanced at her. Why? She didn’t _want_ him to talk to her...did she?

Some force, some feeling she couldn’t explain, drew her to follow him at a safe distance. Quiet as a mouse and anonymous in her First Order uniform, she blended into the background and passed unquestioned through the sliding angled black doors and into an open space ringed by walkways. Here and there red lights glowed, and in the centre the abyss yawned, black and terrible, a thing from her nightmares, falling endlessly to the core of the planet. Her intuition told her she had to be here. Something was about to happen, something that would change everything, forever.


	4. The Dying of the Light

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mai and Kylo both face a choice that will change their lives forever.

 

> "And you, my father, there on the sad height,  
>  Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.  
>  Do not go gentle into that good night.  
>  Rage, rage against the dying of the light." - Dylan Thomas

The abyss yawned, the walkway spanning it looking as slender and fragile as glass. A hot wind blew from the core of the planet. Ahead of her, Ren stopped, looking around like a hound scenting the air. Mai paused, and then climbed a flight of steps onto a walkway that gave her a good view of the rest of the room.

“Find them,” Ren instructed his Stormtroopers, and Mai shrank back into the shadows as they fanned out. She knew somehow he was talking about Rey and FN-2187. She hadn’t made it off planet, then. Dread gripped her, and she looked around herself for the group, but saw no sign of them.

Ren started his own search, striding out onto the centre walkway, and on her side Mai saw a grey-haired figure move quickly behind him; though she had no way of recognising him, she still did. Han Solo. She opened her mouth, to warn Ren or Solo she hardly knew, but before she could speak Solo stepped out into the open.

“Ben!”

A shiver went through Mai. On the walkway, Ren stopped dead. He turned to Solo, face unreadable behind that mask.

“Han Solo. I’ve been waiting for this day for a long time.”

Solo stepped out onto the walkway, and Mai leaned out, unheeding of the Stormtroopers crawling about the place. Her whole being was focused on tall dark figure in the centre of the room. A beam of light fell down from above her, falling on the two figures down below.

“Take off that mask. You don’t need it.”

“What do you think you’ll see if I do?”

“The face of my son.”

Mai did not feel surprise. A part of her had known all along that the boy she saw in her dreams and the terrible creature who stalked the corridors of the _Finalizer_ were one and the same, Han Solo and Leia Organa’s son. Her brain accepted it as a matter of course. Below her, Kylo Ren - _Ben Solo_ \- stood still and silent. The he reached up and took off his helmet, revealing once again that sad handsome face. Mai’s knuckles were white as she gripped the rail.

“Your son is gone. He was weak and foolish, like his father. So I destroyed him.”

Mai remembered that sad little boy in her dreams, crying as his parents argued, frightened of the voices in his head, and felt a terrible sadness fill her. _I’m sorry they did this to you. I’m so, so sorry._

Solo walked towards his son slowly, talking as he went.

“That’s what Snoke wants you to believe. But it’s not true. My son is alive.”

“No. The Supreme Leader is wise.” _No, no Ben! Believe your father, believe him, please…_

“Snoke is using you for your power. When he gets what he wants he’ll crush you.” Solo was close to him now, they stood eye to eye, Ben watching him warily. Red light bathed the two of them.

“You know it’s true,” Solo said softly, and Mai felt it. She felt the light in Ben, fighting to the surface.

“It’s too late.”

“No, it’s not. Leave here with me, come home. We miss you.”

Mai was too far to see, but even so, she knew there were tears in Ben’s eyes. “I’m being torn apart.” He forced out each word as if it physically pained him, and Mai could feel his hurt. “I want to be free of this pain. I know what I have to do but I don’t know if I have the strength to do it.”

Mai could see what Snoke had tasked him with in her mind’s eye, the terrible thing Ben thought he had to do, and in her head she screamed at him not to do it, to go home with his father, but her voice wouldn’t work and she stayed silent.

“Will you help me?”

“Yes, anything,” Solo said, stepping closer. Ben dropped the helmet and took out his lightsaber. Mai’s heart was in her mouth as, instead of igniting it as she’d feared, he held it out to his father. The struggle inside him was almost too much for her to bear as Solo placed a hand on the hilt. Outside, the light was going out.

For a moment, the world held its breath. Mai could feel the different emotions battling for dominance inside Ben, the decision ripping him apart. Then the last light fled from that airless place, and Mai felt his decision and cried out, helpless, impotent.

The lightsaber ignited, and Ben Solo thrust it into his own father’s heart.

“....Thank you.”

Han Solo fell, limp and unfeeling, through the air, just as Mai had dreamed. A hundred miles away, Mai saw a beautiful woman with grey hair sink down with grief and shock.

A flood of awful emotion pounded through Mai, pain and fear and grief and regret, everything that Ben suppressed she could feel. The sheer awful _pain_ of it turned her legs to water, and she collapsed, clinging to the rail. In the distance, someone was crying out. It took a moment for Mai to realise it was her. Curled on the cold metal floor, she held herself together, arms wrapped around her stomach, choking on her screams.

Kylo stood, stunned, on the walkway. He didn’t know what he had expected to feel, but it wasn’t this - this _weakness._ He couldn’t move. All he could do was stand there and try to force down the fear and the pain. _He was weak. You did the right thing. You did the right thing. You did the right thing._ The bolt from the blaster jolted him from his reverie in a burst of pain. Gasping, he gripped his side, feeling the hot blood soak his clothes. The hurt burned away his fear and left only anger, and he remembered his quarry. The scavenger girl and her traitor friend were still alive, with his uncle’s lightsaber, his _birthright,_ still with them. He glared as they fled to the surface, and then gave chase.

After an eternity, Mai woke to the sound of blaster fire and explosions. The wall opposite her exploded in blooming flowers of orange and red flames. _The scavenger girl. Rey. And FN-2187. He’s going after them. He’s going to die._

She pushed herself up onto her shaky legs and saw that the walkway was empty - she looked up at the door high above where the snow swirled in and knew immediately where he had gone. She was forced to follow, drawn as if by some strange gravity that she could not resist. A fallen Stormtrooper laid in her path and almost on instinct Mai took their blaster, then continued onwards and upwards to the open blast doors above her.

The wind was soothingly cool on her hot, tear-stained cheeks and the cold air hit the back of her throat like a punch. Snowflakes crusted themselves in her hair and eyelashes, near blinding her, but she stumbled on after the dark figures in the snow. She had seen this, too. She knew that if she wasn’t there, Ben would bleed out alone in the snow, and despite what she had just seen she still couldn’t let that happen. She didn’t pause to ask herself _why_ she was dragging herself through ankle-deep snow after a man who’d just murdered his father, on a planet about to implode. She just kept going, slowly, slowly, stumbling as if drunk or blind. All alone she wandered through the snow, tiny against the looming shadows of the trees, like a girl in a fairytale.

She reached FN-2187 first, laid in the snow. She could hardly bear to touch him, afraid of death even after all she’d seen, but then she saw his chest move and knelt beside him in the snow, feeling his pulse flutter under her icy fingertips. Lights flashed between the ragged black trees, blue and red. Leaving him, she followed them. The world was shaking, splitting apart, trees falling into gaping black crevices. Turning back was no longer an option. In all likelihood, Mai would die here, and the part of her not focused on finding Ben and Rey was terrified.

Between the black skeletons of falling trees, bright against the white void of the snow, they fought. Red and blue danced together, shivered, clashed and then jumped apart again. Mai was mesmerised by them, by the way he wielded the saber as if it was as heavy as steel, whirling it gracefully, almost lazily as he came back to strike at her again; by the way she bared her teeth and slammed the blue lightsaber down again and again, like the judgement of the gods. She was less skilled than him, but fiercer, fighting for FN-2187 as well as herself, fighting to avenge Han Solo. Blood from his wound dripped down and stained the snow.

Mai knelt behind the cover of a fallen tree, the snow soaking through her trousers. It took her a moment to decipher which way the fight was going through the bright confusing swirl of their lightsabers, but soon it was apparent that Rey was winning. She forced the red lightsaber down, and its shivering, erratic blade threw up sparks as it melted the snow, crackling into the ground. Ben’s face was a rictus mask of fury as he tried to force it back up in vain. The blue lightsaber whirled through the air and came down on Ben’s head, slashing his face. Mai bit back a scream as Rey advanced on him, furious and righteous, lightsaber in hand. Time seemed to slow down, and Mai pondered her choice as she gripped her stolen blaster tight, hands slippery with sweat even in the frigid cold. If she stopped Rey from killing him, she would be saving a monster. How many lives would be saved if she just stayed hidden, out of sight? But then what would she do once Rey had left? Die in the cold for nothing? What had she stayed for, if not to save him? She had no choice at all, she realised. She had made her choice a long time ago. Now the only thing to do was to act on it.

Before Rey could raise the lightsaber again, Mai covered Ben’s prone, bleeding body with her own, blaster aimed squarely between Rey’s eyes. Her aim did not waver.

“Go. Now,” she warned the scavenger girl. A moment passed between them. Rey wondered why a Resistance spy would bother to save a monster like Kylo Ren. Mai wondered the same. Then Rey turned away and ran back to FN-2187, her slender form disappearing into the swirling snow. Mai lowered her arm as it began to tremble uncontrollably, from adrenaline or fear or cold, or a combination of all three. She looked down at the face of the man she had just saved, the man she had just seen murder his own father, and the sight of the hideous red gash across it turned her stomach. Her hands hovered, uncertain and trembling, over his ruined face, and then moved down to the wound at his side, which wept copious amounts of blood, staining the snow below him pink. His eyes were closed, and he was so cold for a moment Mai feared it had all been for nothing and he was dead anyway, but she could feel his heartbeat pumping his blood through the hole in his side. And more than that, she could feel his consciousness, twisted with pain and anger, reaching out to her own. She ripped off her coat, shivering as the cold wind stung her bare shoulders, and bundled it up, putting pressure on the wound. Around them the world imploded, the ground cracked and shivered, but it was as if Mai was watching it from within a bubble. The sound was muffled, and everything seemed very far away. All she could hear was Ben’s ragged breathing in time with her own. His eyes were open now, staring up at her, sightless and unfocused with pain.

Kylo saw through the haze of pain, saw the snow, the black trees crumbling, heard the roar of planet being destroyed. He saw _her,_ her face above his, her pale death’s head, stained with tears. With her short dark hair plastered to her face, she looked like a shipwrecked bride. Her huge dark eyes, wide with fear, were achingly familiar. He felt the connection between them, the first time in so long he’d felt the touch of another Force-sensitive. He’d felt it the moment they met, it grew stronger every time he encountered her, and it frightened and thrilled him in equal measure. Everything was fading to black, his world shrinking to nothing but the bright flames of his pain, the distant rumble of destruction, and  _her._

Beams of light sliced through the fog of snow and falling trees, lighting up Mai’s face as she stared up, shielding her eyes from the glare with one arm. The shuttle landed next to them, medics dressed in grey scurrying down the ramp. They disentangled Mai from Ben and lifted him onto a stretcher, bearing him away from her, as General Hux loomed over her; his coat flapped around him as he glared down at the skinny, trembling girl still crouched in the snow. She got up awkwardly, legs trembling, as Hux grasped her arm and half dragged her onto the shuttle.

“Come, Inara. We need to leave,” he said curtly, not a word about why she was there with Ben or her state of disarray - hair a sodden mess, hat and coat both gone, blood stains everywhere. Mai stumbled numbly up the ramp after him and collapsed into a seat, buckling the safety straps on autopilot, unable to even be grateful for her timely rescue she was so overwhelmed. Her heartbeat was still a runaway train even as she sat there in relative safety. She stared blankly down at her hands, so covered in congealed blood it looked as though she were wearing red gloves.

 _What the_ fuck _happened back there? Why did I - why am I - could I be? No, don’t even think it, don’t be stupid, of course you’re not….but then why….no,_ no, _stop it._ Her thoughts ran wild; for once, keeping up the pretense of being a good little First Order soldier was the last thing on her mind. In her heart, she knew what the events of the last few days meant. But she denied it, still hoping that if she didn’t admit it to herself, it wouldn’t be true. She could be normal, she _could,_ if she just tried very very hard….

In the background, the medics worked on Ben, busy replacing lost blood and knitting flesh back together. Behind them Starkiller Base disappeared into nothing, imploding in on itself as the shuttle sped away from the disaster zone. Mai registered none of it, concentrating on slowing her breath and heartbeat, on keeping from screaming out loud. A medic draped a blanket over her shoulders and she accepted it gratefully, suddenly becoming aware of the cold that cut her like a knife. The same medic rubbed her blood-stained hands with a warm damp cloth, revealing her pale, skeletal hands, still shaking with cold and adrenaline. The shivering was uncontrollable now.

“It’s the shock,” the medic said softly. “From the cold, mostly, but also the ordeal you’ve just been through. You’ll be fine once you’ve warmed up and calmed down.”

Mai nodded dully. Hux was regarding her like a hawk.

“What happened exactly, Inara?”

“I...I don’t know, sir, it happened so fast…”

“Commander Ren killed the rebel Solo, then?”

“Yes, sir.”

“And the scavenger girl? The traitor?”

“I don’t know about them. They might have gotten off-planet before the meltdown, I don’t know.” Mai took a deep, shaky breath, beginning to come to her senses. _Time to play your part, little girl. No escape now. You missed your chance to get out while you could._

“The scavenger girl and Commander Ren fought. She inflicted his injuries.”

“She _won?”_ Hux’s glee brought bile to the back of Mai’s throat.

“Yes. After I...interrupted them, she fled.”

“Well then. We should assume she escaped and has reunited with the Resistance. It would not do to let our guard down.”

Mai let Hux plot and scheme, sinking down into her seat and looking across to the small med bay where Ben Solo lay, still and pale, face and side wrapped in bandages. His chest rose and fell slowly, calmly, as the sedative they had given him took affect. Watching him calmed Mai's breathing as well, until their heartbeats were in perfect unison. But under the calm surface a storm raged. Ben Solo's mind was a ravaged landscape of rage at his defeat, and Mai retreated sharply from it as if his white-hot anger physically burned her. She glanced around her quickly to check that Hux and the medics were distracted, and then reached into her waistband and drew out the black cross shaped hilt she had hidden there. The metal was cold and heavy in her hand as she looked down at it, lost in thought.

Mai knew why she had helped him, why she had risked her life in the snow to go after him. Even after all the evidence she had been offered, the people she’d seen him kill. If she’d explained it to anyone else, they would have told her she was crazy. But she had seen it. The last glimmer of light left in him. She _knew_ there was still something in him worth saving. A part of her was horrified at her irrational belief, but she couldn’t help it. No-one loves the light like the blind man, and no-one can believe like a reformed cynic. What would happen when Ben woke up, she had no idea. She had no plan, no hope, no idea what to do next. All she knew was that she couldn’t turn back now. 

 


	5. Are You Nobody, Too?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mai and Ben try to work out where to go in the new lives they find themselves in.

 

 

>  “I'm nobody! Who are you?
> 
> Are you nobody, too?
> 
> Then there’s a pair of us—don’t tell!
> 
> They’d banish us, you know.” - Emily Dickinson

It was weeks before Mai saw Ben Solo again. Long weeks of nothing, of drifting through life as if it were a dream. She hadn’t realised before how much seeing him nearly every day had become a part of her life, and now that he was gone he left a gaping void behind him. It was the anticlimax, Mai thought; fleeing Starkiller she had expected everything after that to happen very quickly, whatever happened - but instead nothing had happened, and it had happened very slowly. All she knew of Ben’s recovery she had learned from snatches of gossip that raged around the First Order base like wildfire. He was dying - dead - no, he was recovered and already training with Leader Snoke - he was hunting Luke Skywalker - no, hunting the _Resistance,_ that’s true, I heard it from one of the medics - the only thing anyone seemed to know for sure was that no-one knew anything for sure. No word from the Resistance either; clearly they thought it best Mai lay low for a while, and she couldn’t help but agree with them. Her little adventure on Starkiller had made her a minor celebrity within the base _-_ whispers and sideways glances followed her wherever she went, they all wondered if it was _true,_ if that skinny pale little girl _really_ saved the mighty Kylo Ren; Hux watched her like a hawk day and night, still trying to figure out how she knew where to go, how she knew to follow him at all. She could hear Hux’s thoughts now, if she tried. She tried not to try.

The longer the wait dragged on, the stronger the feeling got - the feeling of being more than what she was, of being more connected to everything. It terrified her, that she couldn’t control it, the idea that one day this power she was now discovering would burst out of her and bring her fragile, walk-on-a-knife’s-edge world down around her ears. All she had to lose was her life, but that was enough. The First Order did not tolerate Force-sensitives outside of those officially sanctioned warriors, the Knights of Ren, and the Supreme Leader himself. Her power was as sure a death sentence as her spying. How could she have let it all get out of hand so fast? She had tried _so hard_ not to overcomplicate things, to keep her head down, to keep out of the way. How had she got so wrapped up in all this - this _mess?_

She needed to talk to Ben. She needed to ask him - ask him _everything,_ about what they were, about how to control it. She wasn’t scared of him anymore. If he meant her any harm he would have done it by now. She had been drawn to save him for some reason, some future that they both shared, and although she was reluctant to believe any of this Force-bond-destiny-mystic-connection crap, she didn’t see how she had any choice. Getting to Ben was her only option.

The longer Kylo lay there in the dark, the more his anger festered. The wounds to his side and face throbbed day and night no matter how much pain relief he was given, sharp reminders of what had happened on Starkiller. What he’d done. _Murderer, murderer, murderer._ He couldn’t stop reliving it over and over and over again. The glow of the lightsaber, how it felt when it went through him. The look on his face. The feeling of _weakness_ afterwards, of becoming less instead of more, as Snoke had promised. That little detail nagged at him day and night. _Snoke is using you for your power. When he gets what he wants he’ll crush you._ Kylo snarled, forcing that thought from his mind. Doubt is weakness. That’s all it is, the reason you can’t heal. You have to stop doubting. Concentrate on the anger. That part was easy, the anger. All he had to do was think of the scavenger girl and her traitor friend and he had the anger to kill a thousand men. What she did to him - that girl, that _child_ with no training, no skill whatsoever - shamed him more than he cared to admit. And the lightsaber…. He knew the reason it had gone to her and not him. He knew, in his heart, but he forced himself not to acknowledge it. Better to turn every feeling he had, every thought, into burning rage. That was all the Supreme Leader required of him. His anger, the anger that never went away.

Except...when he thought of her. Hux’s shadow, the spy, with her sarcastic thoughts and her cynicism and her pain and her fear broadcasting loud and clear whenever he was near her. He should have turned her in, should have kept away from her, should have killed her. But he hadn’t. He had wanted to but….couldn’t. She was the first. He had thought they had all been killed, everyone like him, Force-sensitives were so rare now they had become mythological, and since he had killed his fellow padawans he hadn’t met a single one other than the Supreme Leader and his fellow Knights...until her. When he met her, he knew straight away what she was, but he couldn’t bring himself to turn her in no matter how much he reasoned with himself. It had been so long, so long with only Snoke for company in the lonely, ravaged expanse that was his mind. He couldn’t go back to that loneliness, that isolation. He couldn’t turn her in, let Hux and Snoke destroy the only other person like him. Kylo hadn’t dared approach her and tell her he knew what she was, so instead he’d kept his distance, feeling her presence through the Force, trying not to laugh at her thoughts. Any excuse to be near her, he’d used. He tried not to think about what that meant, this attachment he felt to this girl he hardly knew, he just pushed it down like she did her Force-sensitivity. He wanted to reach out to her, to show what joy their ability could bring, but he’d almost forgotten himself. Almost. Until she walked into his life and reminded him of that little boy so, so long ago, who used to float his toys around to make his mother laugh. Who used to watch in awe as his uncle showed him how to use a lightsaber. Kylo shook his head, as if he could physically clear it of the forbidden thoughts. _That boy is dead. He was weak and foolish and now he’s dead, he’s gone forever…_ He tried to turn his thoughts to something, anything else, but her face kept swimming in front of his eyes, as she’d been on Starkiller. Pale as death, cheekbones sticking out sharply, eyes deep-set and dark. She looked like a skeleton. Her eyebrows were drawn together in a worried frown, tears running down her face, eyes red-rimmed from crying. She had snowflakes in her dark curls.

The door to his room opened with a pneumatic hiss, and there she stood, as if he’d conjured from his imagination.

The medic who attended him at all times and ensured no-one saw him stood outside, still as a statue, looking straight ahead. Clearly she’d already figured out how to do _that,_ then. She herself stood awkwardly in the doorway, fidgeting with the hem of her top. She wasn’t in full uniform, he noticed - her coat and hat were missing. It made her look less stiff and anonymous. More like a real person. Kylo sat up, suddenly hyper aware of his own state of undress, pulling the bedsheets up to cover his bare chest.

“Sir, I-I’m sorry to disturb you…” Mai mentally rolled her eyes at her own inaneness. _‘Sorry to disturb you’? You watched him kill his own father a few weeks ago, and that’s the best you can do?_

“No-one is supposed to see me,” Ben replied, a slight edge to his voice as he looked down, away from her.

Mai backed off, looking down at her feet. “I’m sorry, I’ll go-”

“No.” Mai looked up. Ben gazed up at her cautiously, like a wounded animal. “You can stay. If you want.”

“Okay.” She moved into the room slowly, letting the doors slide shut behind her. The room was simple, black-walled, with medical monitors and equipment on the shelves. The only furniture was a single bed with dark grey sheets and a metal chair. There were no windows, and the only source of light was the harsh glow of the strip-light imbedded in the ceiling. Mai grabbed the chair and dragged it to face the bed, wincing at the harsh sound. Ben watched her warily. His gaze made her feel a little uncomfortable - it was still strange to see the face behind the mask. It was still wrapped in gauze bandages, still not healed after all this time. Instead of sitting down she hovered awkwardly, gripping the back of the chair.

“How did you get in?”

“I told him to stay there and look at the wall,” Mai said, jerking her head at the closed door. “It took a few goes. He thought I was crazy at first, he was this close to calling for help.” She sat down as she talked, feeling a little more comfortable. Ben’s face twitched into what might have been a smile for the briefest of seconds.

“That’s impressive. It usually takes longer for people to master that.”

“Uh huh. I guess I’ve got a lot more to learn.”

“But you’re strong already. You have a natural gift for feeling others emotions and thoughts, I think. That’s how you knew to follow me after….back on Starkiller.”

Mai nodded shakily. She had so much she needed to ask, so much they had to talk about. The last sane part of her mind was screaming about how dangerous this was, the huge risk, what if you get _caught,_ and he’s a _psychopath,_ why would you even _want_ to talk to him; but she shook those thoughts away.

“You’re thinking this is dangerous,” Ben said softly. “It’s okay. I’m not going to hurt you.”

Mai took a deep breath, getting up the courage to ask him. “Why?”

Ben looked confused. “Why what?”

“Why aren’t you...why didn’t you turn me in? Or...or kill me?” Her voice sounded weak and shaky.

Ben was silent for a moment, not looking at her. When he spoke his voice was soft, like he was telling her something secret. “Because you were the first. The first like me. Not the first ever, but...in a long time. Do you understand?”

“Yes.” Her voice was almost a whisper. “You were the first for me too.”

They looked at each other for a long time, each taking the other in. Ben was the first to speak again.

“You’re not scared of me anymore. You used to be scared of me.”

“Maybe you’re just not very scary,” Mai quipped, smiling a little. Ben just looked at her. Mai cleared her throat.

“I guess...now I understand why you do what you do. I mean I don’t agree with it...or like it...but I understand. So I’m not scared of you anymore. Now I just feel sorry for you.”

“I won’t change, you know that, right? You can’t...make me go back.”

Mai glared at him, offended by the insinuation that she cared about him...even if it was true. “Trust me, I’m not here to heal you with my magical compassion. You can stay as you are as far as I’m concerned.”

“Then why are you here? Why come back for me at all?”

“Because I needed you to answer my questions. About why you didn't turn me in, why I could do all this...this stuff.”

“And now that you know the answers, you’re...what? Just going to go back to the way things were? Keep your head down, work for Hux like a good little girl?” There was an edge of anger to his voice.

Mai narrowed her eyes at him. “What do you suggest I do? If you don’t want to change, if you just want to stay the way you are forever, why are you so upset when I tell you that’s fine by me? I call bullshit on that one.”

Ben glared at her. “I just think you can be more than Hux’s shadow, that’s all. More than some Resistance puppet. You can have a life, you don’t have to do what they tell you.”

“So can you!” Mai could feel herself getting angry now. “Do you not hear the irony in what you just said? You don’t have to Snoke’s puppet, if you’d just gone with your father you could have -” She stopped mid-sentence, realising with horror that she’d just broached the subject they’d been dancing around the whole time. Ben stared at her.

“It’s too late for that, don’t you see? I killed him.” For a moment they just looked at each other, Mai with horror and pity and him with anger and just a hint of regret. “I killed him, and now it’s too late for me, I can never take that back, I can never go back to they way things were even if - even if I wanted to.” He took a deep breath, as if that sentence had exhausted him.

“...Do you want to?” Mai ventured softly, daringly. Ben didn’t answer. He stared at his hands, and Mai concentrated, trying hard to break through his shell and see what he was thinking.

“You should go,” he said suddenly, shortly. Mai frowned.

“Ben, please -”

“Don’t call me that! Just go, _go_ ,” he shouted, and Mai stood, opened the door and left without another argument, leaving the medic still transfixed as she strode quickly from the room, knowing better than to look back. Her heart hammered and she thought back to the village on Jakku and the old man, and realised how close she had come to death. She must have been out of her mind to try that.

Kylo lay back on the bed, heart thudding, wounds aching. Why had he even let her in the door, why hadn’t he killed her, turned her in, why - _Because you don’t want to be that person anymore,_ said a small voice in his mind, a voice he’d thought was long dead. _Because you knew if you let her in, she’d change you and you’d change her, and you both want to change so badly. It’s already started, Ben. It started the moment you decided not to turn her in. You’re already changing._

Mai lay on her own bed in her new quarters on the base. She pressed the heels of her hands into her closed lids, feeling her pulse thump under her skin. She had tried to convince herself that she just wanted to help herself by going to Ben, but the pity she'd felt for him in there... Weren’t people who had the Force supposed to use it for something? To help people? Could she do that, or would she just use her ability to hide herself away like the coward she was? One thing she knew for sure, Ben would not be helping her figure anything out. Maybe she’d been wrong, maybe there was no light left in him anymore. But she’d been so _sure..._ The doubt lingered in her head for days. She knew the sensible thing to do would be to use the Force to steal a ship and leave the base, leave the First Order and the Resistance behind her forever. It's what she wanted to do. She'd been out of her mind with fear for so long, she didn't know how much more she could stand. But whether her conscience would allow her to leave Ben behind, at the mercy of Snoke, knowing what she did about who he really was...

The guilt did nag at her, but in the end the fear won. Almost on autopilot, she packed a few things in a bag - her comm, some spare clothes, vacuum-packed food she'd sneaked from the mess hall. Her hand found the cold metal hilt of Ben's lightsaber, and she looked at it for a moment before slipping it in the inner pocket of her bag. She found herself slipping from her quarters in the dead of night, avoiding the guards on the night shift, creeping into the main spacecraft hangar. The TIE fighters were locked in, but it was the easiest thing to use her access code to unlock one. The trick would be piloting it. She had never even been in one, let alone been at the controls. 

She sat there, holding her hands over the control panel, eyes closed, trying to feel her way. She felt completely ridiculous, but she didn't know how to use the Force to help her. She hoped that just by  _feeling_ it, it would come to her and she'd know what to do. But instead of sudden knowledge entering her head, she heard a familiar, terrifying voice, as clear as though he were speaking in her ear. 

_What in the Maker's name are you doing, Inara?_ Mai's eyes flew open, and without knowing why she reached for the bag and the lightsaber inside it. The TIE fighter's cockpit door opened, and there he stood.

_Maybe he's going to turn you in,_ said the pessimistic little voice in the back of her mind.  _Or spare you the torture and execution Hux would give you by killing you himself._

"That's mine," Ben said, nodding at the dead metal hilt clenched in her fist. "You were going to leave without giving it back to me?"

Mai said nothing, regarding him warily. Ben sighed. 

"I'm not here to kill you or turn you in. Put it down. It's not like you even know how to turn it on, let alone use it."

Mai lowered the hilt but didn't let go of it. The ghost of a smirk crossed Ben's lips.

"Were you trying to use the Force to pilot the ship? You don't have a clue what to do, do you?"

"If you're going to patronise me, I'm leaving," Mai replied hoarsely, finding her voice at last. 

"You won't. I won't let you."

"Why do you care if I leave or not? I thought you'd approve, after your little speech about my independence." 

 “I think...you need to be trained. In the Force. If you don’t learn to control it, you could hurt yourself, or someone else. You need to know how to use it, so you can defend yourself.”

“Are you suggesting I go to _Snoke -”_

“No, no, _me._ I could teach you.”

Mai's face twisted with suspicion. “You want to train me? Why? Out of the goodness of your heart? You really think I'm stupid enough to fall for that? You'll seduce me to the Dark Side like Snoke did you.”

Ben didn’t deny her accusation. “You need a teacher.”

“Didn’t you say the same thing to Rey?”

“That’s different. Leader Snoke wanted the girl. I would never give you up to him.”

Mai look at him incredulously. “You honestly don’t hear how that sounds?”

Ben sighed impatiently. “This is pointless. You need to be trained before you do something stupid and expose yourself. I’m the only person who can train you. Maybe you’ll even get the chance to ‘ _change me for the better’_ \- don’t look surprised, you know I can tell what you’re thinking. If you want to persuade me round to your way of thinking, it’s only fair I get the same opportunity. Do you agree?”

Mai thought for a moment. He had her pretty stuck. He wasn't going to let her leave without a fight, and even in his weakened state, she knew she couldn't take him. And he was right, she needed to know how to use her ability if she was going to survive. A part of her still screamed in fear, but after all she'd seen she was beginning to feel...not braver, exactly, but...less breakable. Finally, she nodded.

“Okay.”

Back in her room, she looked at herself in the mirror, searching for some sign of change, some outward marker to show her new power, but found nothing. Nothing, but for the first time she saw something in her dark eyes that Ben had seen in her. She sensed in herself for the first time a breathtaking potential for corruption.

In his room, Kylo did the same. Unwinding the bandage that covered his face, the face he hadn’t seen for so long, he found that he didn’t recognise himself at all. The last time he’d looked in the mirror, he’d been younger, his face less sharp, less hollowed out. His face had been whole then, not split in half by that jagged red scar. He no longer recognised the person who’d killed his fellow padawans, who’d joined the Knights of Ren, who’d killed so many, even his own father. A new, completely different person looked back at him now.


	6. In The Force, There Is Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe starts to suspect one of his superiors' motives. Meanwhile, Mai begins her training with Kylo, and he begin to drop his guard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this took so long guys, the truth is I haven't been in a Star Wars mood for ages, but I am now so expect more of this fic and a new one too, one that will tie into this one in (hopefully) surprising ways. Thanks so much for bearing with me!

> “In life, there is the Force.
> 
> In the Force, there is life.
> 
> And the Force is eternal."
> 
> ―Sunset Prayer of the Guardians of the Whills.

Poe Dameron watched the Millennium Falcon rise up into the clouds and wondered if hope was finally going to be returned to the galaxy. It felt like they’d been fighting for far too long without any real advantage; but now, they finally had a chance to turn the tide. If Rey could find Luke Skywalker, the Resistance would gain new life, new purpose, new hope. All around Poe, his fellow Resistance fighters cheered and waved the cargo ship off, all unaware that they owed their deliverance to one person, brave enough to take the job none of them would. And Poe had left her behind to fend for herself on the _Finalizer._

Rey had told Poe about Mai’s conflicting actions on Starkiller Base, how she didn’t turn Rey in to the First Order one minute and saved Kylo Ren’s life the next. Poe couldn’t believe what the rest of the Resistance seemed to, that Mai had turned traitor and was truly working for the First Order. How could the person who gave them the key to finding Luke Skywalker turn against them? Poe knew Mai. He knew it didn’t make any sense. But his misgivings had to be set aside. He had work to do.

Poe trod his well-worn path to the infirmary as he did every day. Finn still lay comatose, and Poe was finding it more and more difficult not to worry about him. The medics assured him that Finn was still in the process of recovery and was likely to wake soon, but Poe wished his friend was awake. It would be one less thing to worry about, and right then, Poe could have used a break. Not only that, but Poe desperately wanted to talk to Finn, needed someone to soothe his misgivings and tell him what had really happened on Starkiller. His friend lay as he had for the past few days, still and peaceful looking, his chest rising and falling slowly with every breath. At least he wasn’t in pain.

“Commander Dameron,” said an authoritative voice behind him. Poe turned to see Major Nurbanu stood in the doorway.

“Major Nurbanu, how can I help you?”

“You were friends with Mai Inara, were you not?”

Poe noted her use of the past tense to refer to Mai and felt a prickle of discomfort, but dismissed it. “We aren’t especially close, but yes.”

“It seems she wasn’t especially close with anyone on the base. I suppose that made it easier for her to betray us.”

“Do you really believe she did?”

Nurbanu gave him a critical look. “Don’t you?”

“I don’t know, Major. I wasn’t there,” Poe replied diplomatically.

“No. Did you see her at any point during your imprisonment on the _Finalizer?”_

“I saw her during my capture on Jakku and once more after my interrogation. Just brief glimpses. I didn’t talk to her.”

“Well, thank you, Commander.”

“Major - can I ask why you wanted to know?”

“We want to know all the facts about Inara’s defection before we decide to take action.”

Dread settled in the pit of Poe’s stomach. “Take action?”

“Well, once we’ve determined the full impact of this betrayal, we may have to think about removing Inara from the equation.”

“You don’t mean -”

“She is in possession of a great deal of valuable information about our operations. We can’t have her telling the First Order what she knows.”

“But surely you can’t - you can’t assassinate one of our own when you’re not even certain she’s defected at all.”

“Which is why I’m trying to collect as many eyewitness reports of Inara’s behaviour as possible. It’s a shame your friend Finn isn’t awake, actually, he could give me vital information. Once I’ve found out as much as I can, I’ll present my findings to General Organa. She’ll make the final call.”

So _that_ was why he’d seen Nurbanu and Rey talking before Rey left.

“General Organa would never condemn someone to death without a fair trial first.”

“The General knows what must be done to free the galaxy from the tyranny of the First Order, Commander. I suggest you trust her judgement,” Nurbanu replied, suddenly cold. She turned on her heel and left the med bay, leaving Poe to stare after her, deep in thought. Nurbanu had been Mai’s handler. Why had she suddenly turned on her charge?

 

Mai stood outside the doors, hand over the control panel. Nerves twisted and writhed in her stomach, sending shivers through her veins. _I can’t do this. I can’t do this. Ican’tdothisican’tdothisican’tdothi-_

_Yes you can._

Mai shivered. The sensation of having thoughts in your head other than your own was indescribably invasive.

_Please don’t do that._

_You need to get used to it. Come in._ Although she couldn’t really hear his tone of voice - she couldn’t hear his _voice,_ not exactly - she could tell he would suffer no argument. She placed her palm on the panel, and the doors slid open.

He was dressed in loose black trousers, his hair pulled back from his face with a cord. The scar had faded since she saw him last. It ran down his face from his forehead, between his left eye and his nose, across his cheek and ended on the muscle of his shoulder. The mark from the blaster was still livid and cruel, though - a starburst of proud, pink flesh that twisted when he moved. Mai tried not to stare - at the scars, but also at the muscles moving underneath the translucent pale skin, the freckles that dusted his chest.

He held two flat, smooth stones in each hand, tossing one to her. She reached for it and it slipped through her fingers, landing with a thud on the padded floor. He gave her a look that might have been amusement or despair as she picked it up, cheeks burning. She held it up.

“What am I supposed to do with this?”

“Not drop it, for a start,” he deadpanned.

“Funny.”

“You’re going to use it to train yourself to lift and move objects through the Force. That’s your weakest ability, I think - you’ve displayed some competence in mind tricks and psychic ability but so far no physical prowess.” His tone was completely matter-of-fact, almost disinterested. “But first, you need to understand what the Force _is.”_

Mai turned the stone over and over in her palm as he spoke. It was smooth, black as jet with ripples of bone-white and smoke-grey running through it, a perfect oval that fit snugly in her hand. The sensation of the stone slipping over her skin soothed her ragged nerves, focused her wild thoughts until all she was aware of was Kylo’s voice and the cool pressure of the stone.

“Sit,” he told her, settling on the floor and crossing his long legs in one fluid movement. Mai did the same, her movements stiff and awkward. They faced each other - him, long and lean and imposing, she small and light and timid.

“The Force exists within all living things and binds them together in the galaxy. Every living creature is connected by the Force, but only some are sensitive to its energy. Those that are Force-sensitive can feel disturbances in the network of the Force and can communicate with each other through this network. Think of it like a web of threads - disturb one thread and the vibrations travel through all of them. The things you can feel, your visions, the voices in your head - they’re just vibrations, travelling down the threads from other living energies to you.”

Mai nodded. As he talked, she could _feel_ what he was talking about - the infinite network of energy connecting her to everything living in the galaxy. It was as if she was looking at it out of the corner of her eye - it shimmered and moved just out of her reach, so she could only _sense_ the presence of the others, not reach them.

“When you try to move objects through the Force, think of the interconnectedness of all things. You’re not moving the object, you’re pushing on one block, which pushes on another, and another, and another until it pushes the object. Try it.”

Mai held the stone on the flat of her palm. She concentrated, imagining a layer over her palm that, if it rose up, would lift the stone. But even as she struggled, eyes narrowed, she heard Kylo sigh.

“Don’t force it. Relax. Feel your way through the Force.”

“It would help if you didn’t stare at me the whole time.”

“Concentrate.”

“I _am.”_

“Stop talking then. Abandon all distractions. Feel only the Force.”

Mai sighed, irritation building in her. _Come on, you stupid thing,_ she thought angrily, feeling the stone’s stubborn weight in her palm. Across from her, she could feel Kylo’s mixed amusement and annoyance, and it only served to make her more angry.

“Come on, Inara, it’s not hard.”

_Maybe not for you, asshole._

“Hurry up. I haven’t got all day.”

_You bastard!_

“Seriously, I do have other things to do, so if you don’t mind -”

_Shut UP!_ The stone shot from her palm as if launched from a slingshot, straight for Kylo’s head. He dodged it just in time and it smacked into the far wall, denting the metal and falling to the floor with a deafening clang.  

Mai and Kylo looked at each other in silence for a moment.

“Well, that’s certainly one way to do it,” Kylo finally said. “Next time, try not to aim for my head.”

Mai was not inclined to apologise. “If you hadn’t been such a jerk, I wouldn’t have gotten so angry.”

“You need to learn to control your temper yourself. Anger is the worst thing for a Je- for a Force-user.”

“Oh, really? I don’t see you controlling your temper.”

“That’s none of your business.”

Mai rolled her eyes. “Okay, sure. I think you’re just not as good as you think you are.”

“Still makes me better than you,” Kylo shot back.

Mai could tell that under all the bluster, his mask had slipped for just a second. Still, she didn’t press the matter.

They tried again to get her to lift the stone, but she soon found that unless given a burst of strong emotion such as anger, she wasn’t getting anywhere. Finally, both frustrated, they gave up.

“Clearly this isn’t going to work. You need to meditate more, but since this is your first lesson it can’t be helped. Let’s move on.”

_Thank the gods._

“Let’s start lightsaber training.”

Mai perked up. “I guess this is the fun part?”

“Don’t get too excited,” Kylo warned. “We start with staffs first, and since we don’t have two lightsabers you’ll have to make your own before we can move on to working with the real thing.”

“Yeah, that still sounds pretty exciting to me.”

“I must just be jaded.” Mai laughed. That was one of the oddest things about actually conversing with this man she had been terrified of for months - he was _funny._

Kylo tossed her one staff and held the other. He settled into a stance - two handed grip on the staff, held near the base and out in front of him, legs planted slightly apart, back straight. Mai tried to copy him. He sighed with frustration, a sound that had become increasingly familiar over the course of the lesson. Dropping his staff, he walked over to her and stood behind her, adjusting her with broad, calloused hands.

“Okay, hold the staff a little further up. Good. Not pointing straight up to the ceiling - that’s it, out in front of you. Loosen your grip a little. Better, much better. Legs a little further apart -” He nudged his leg in between hers. She blushed a little, feeling the heat from his body seep into hers. Sensing a change in her, Kylo let go as if scalded, backing up away from her.

“Let’s try sparring a little first, see what you already know,” he muttered gruffly.

“That would be nothing,” Mai replied dubiously. Kylo took up his stance again.

The first strike came out of nowhere and knocked Mai to the floor. Groaning, she rubbed her ribs where the staff had struck.

“Give me a chance to defend myself!”

“In a fight, a good opponent won’t give you any chances. Get up.”

_And just when we were starting to get along,_ Mai thought ruefully, _he decides to beat me into a pulp._

Several knockdowns and bruises later, Mai was starting to get frustrated again. Every blow fuelled her anger, until she felt like a bomb about to explode. As the next strike came swinging for her head, a sudden burst of savage energy came rushing through her, and she blocked not with her own staff but her hand, swinging up and pushing the air with a flat palm. Like a bolt from a blaster, the energy inside her came searing out; the world went white, and she gloried in the exhilarating power for a second that felt like an age, before finally coming down. Blinking, she took in the consequences of her actions.

Kylo lay sprawled on the padded floor, his staff knocked from his hand. Breathing heavily, he looked up at her. Mai held her breath, waiting for the storm to arrive.

“That was...unexpected,” he said. “Although I guess I should have seen it coming.”

Mai started like a droid suddenly switched on for the first time and ran to help him to his feet.

“I’m sorry, I have no idea where that came fro-”

“Don’t apologise. You have a lot of power. It’ll take some time, but for a first lesson, to be able to knock your master off his feet - that’s impressive already.”

“I’m really, really - I won’t do it again.”

“Yes, you will. Not today though. I think we should end on a high note.” He rubbed his shoulder where he’d hit the ground, that sideways smirk dancing at the edge of his lips. Mai found herself smiling too.

“I cannot believe I just did that.”

“It’s a rush, isn’t it? It’s the same every time.”

“I loved it. I -” She just stood there grinning at him, unable to express her feelings in words. But she didn’t have to.

“I know. You can’t describe it. The connectedness - the power - there aren’t enough words in the galaxy.”

So strange, so very strange, to do something new and feel like you’re remembering the steps to a dance you know off by heart. To talk to someone you barely know and be able to predict their next words. Mai and Kylo stood there, together, and felt the weight of the past fall off their shoulders for the briefest of moments, felt like they were just two people, spinning in the infiniteness of the galaxy. Then clarity faded, and the illusion stepped back in.

Mai stepped away. “I’ll see you tomorrow, then. After my shift finishes.”

Kylo looked away. “Yes. I’ll expect you to have practised meditation.”

“Yes, I will.” Awkwardness, the strangeness of the situation, old hatreds and fears and painful memories forced them apart once more.


	7. 'I Love You' Never Felt Like Any Blessing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FUCK the last jedi. FUCK rian johnson. i don't give a FUCK

> "This will be my last confession  
> 'I love you' never felt like any blessing  
> Whispering like it's a secret  
> Only to condemn the one who hears it  
> With a heavy heart." - Florence + the Machine

Mai rested her head against the wall and watched the stars fly past, faster than her eyes could register, a white blur. The ship’s engines thrummed and vibrated along her spine. This is what she loved. The solitude, the calm, the white noise that banished all thoughts in her head. Perfect, absolute oblivion.

The sound of the door and movement in the corner of her eye broke her reverie and made her turn her head. Kylo stood there, a long dark shadow with uncertain, shifting eyes, in the doorway, and suddenly her head was busy with thoughts again, weighed down with questions of him, of her own power, of what the hell she was doing here on this ship, in this war. Kylo opened his mouth as if to speak, then closed it again, expressions of uncertainty and hesitation flitting across his face like ripples across still water. Mai said nothing, still not knowing how to greet him after weeks of training with him, not used to interacting with him outside of the training room. What was he doing here, how had he known where to find her – all these questions lay heavy on her tongue, but before she could ask, he seemed to lose his nerve, and turned to leave.

“I disturbed you, I – I’m sorry. I’ll go,” he said shortly.

“I wasn’t doing anything,” Mai said at the same time, standing. He turned back to her. “I was just daydreaming,” she explained awkwardly. “I like to sit here sometimes and...and daydream. Why do you need me?”

_You may well ask,_ Kylo thought bitterly. “I don’t...that is, I was just...I saw you were here and I...wanted to talk to you.”

Colour rushed to Mai’s cheeks. “Oh. Okay. Come sit down.” She folded herself into her cross-legged sitting position once again, facing the viewing portal, one knee tucked under her chin. Kylo didn’t move. Mai turned her head. “Seriously, sit down. You’re making me nervous.” He moved closer and sat down also facing the portal, leaving a good metre of space between them.

The silence seemed to expand to fill the space between them. It wasn’t awkward. Her lessons in the Force had left Mai exposed and vulnerable before Kylo, he had access to her innermost thoughts as no-one else had, and the danger of that vulnerability had never been lost on her. But somehow, when they sparred in lightsaber practise or when he explained the concepts of the light side and the dark, the energy that bound the universe together, she never felt in any danger. Something had changed in between their very first meeting on the _Finalizer_ what felt like years ago and that moment, that moment as they sat together contemplating the rushing of thousands upon thousands of stars. They had become friends.

“I’m going to ask you a question,” Mai said, eyes still on the galaxy outside. “And I want you to not Force-choke me when I do.”

“That depends,” Kylo replied, the undercurrents of amusement warming his voice. “Is the question of a deeply personal or highly irritating nature?”

“Deeply personal. But I think I’ve earned the right.”

“I think so, too. Ask away.”

“Okay.” Mai took a deep breath. “Why did you kill your father?”

For a long moment, he was silent. Mai waited patiently. She knew her answer would come.

Finally, without looking at her, he began to speak. “For a long time, I’ve felt….broken. Split apart. Trying to be loyal to the Supreme Leader, to the Dark Side, but...never quite committing. There was always something there, like a tether, keeping me from fulling diving in. I thought it was my father. But even after I...” His hands clenched in the dark fabric of his trousers. “After I...killed him, nothing changed. It didn’t help.” Mai was shocked to notice a trace of water, glistening on his cheek. A tear. Pity overwhelmed her. Gods, but he was utterly pathetic. A man destroyed by his own actions, like an animal in a trap, twisting this way and that, tearing itself more with every attempt to escape until it bled to death. Mai felt dampness on her own cheeks and wiped it away quickly. “Why?” Kylo asked finally, turning to her. “Why do you hate your father so much?”

“Because he’s hateful,” she replied simply, suddenly uncomfortable. He shook his head.

“Not good enough.”

“That’s really all there is to it. The man is a monster. He’s hateful, to everyone, to everything. There’s nothing in the world he loves but power and himself.”

“Not even your mother? Not even you?”

“My mother killed herself because of him when I was five. I’m nothing but a nuisance to him, a coward and a degenerate who worships the Republic. The proudest I ever made him was when I joined the First Order.”

“Then the joke’s on him,” Kylo said softly, firmly. “Your loyalty isn’t with the First Order. It never was.”

“Does that not bother you? That I’m not on your side?”

“Aren’t you?” he asked. His eyes were deep brown pools of unfathomable water. The longer she stared, the less certain she became. Sometime, somehow, during the course of the conversation they had moved closer together. The scar on his face was faded, but deep; it made his face look disjointed, like a china doll smashed and then clumsily glued back together. Mai had often wondered what it would be like to run her hands through his thick dark hair, and now he was so close that if she reached out a hand she could do just that. She could see the freckles dotted over his pale skin, constellations to match the ones outside. His lips looked so soft.

Then those lips were on hers, without her even thinking it she had leaned into him as he had leaned into her, a brush of warm, soft pressure against her lips and then gone again. They moved sharply away from each other in sync, equally shocked by their own daring. His eyes were wide, wild, as uncertain and full of fear and doubt as they had been on Starkiller Base on the walkway. He looked so damn _innocent,_ like a young boy kissed for the first time. Which was what he was, really.

Then he was gone, leaving her alone with nothing but the endlessly rushing stars and the pounding of her own heart.

That night, sleep would not come. Mai lay awake for hours, tortured, running hands through sweat-soaked hair, unable to stop recalling the sensation of his hot breath on her cheeks and the hesitant warm brush of his lips against hers. The look on his face as he pulled away from her as if burned by her touch….the uncertainty, the fear...the vulnerability. _Oh, gods._ She had fallen into the implacable black holes of his eyes and she couldn’t find her way out again. All she wanted was his lips on hers again. She missed his presence near her like she might miss a severed limb, or the air in her lungs.

Her hand found the bare, fever-hot skin of her stomach under her shirt, and Mai shuddered as it slid down, almost unbidden, under her waistband; to find the soft skin there soaked, sensitive, aching. Her hips moved subtly to the rhythm of her fingers as her mind wandered wildly. She searched for him through the Force, dreading to find him, and desperate to, frightened and exhilarated by what he might do if she did. She reached out with her mind, tentative and trembling as a child, until she sensed him. Searching, as she was. For her. Mai’s mind filled with one image, of him, lying helpless and sweat-soaked and shaking with need, his hand moving fretfully between his thighs in time with hers, as he whispered a name into the darkness.

Mai gasped, out loud in her own room, and Ben looked around and into her eyes. That moment, the connection broke and Ben was replaced by the darkness of her quarters, no light to be had, save the glow of the stars peeking from behind the shuttered view portal. Frightened, she withdrew her hand, heart pounding in her throat, sweat trickling uncomfortably down her back. For a moment, there was nothing but silence.

Mai jumped at the hiss of the door opening. Ben stood in the doorway, framed by the dim glow of the lighting strips, the multitudes of diamond stars scattered in the view portal behind him. His chest heaved as if he’d run from one end of the galaxy to the other. Mai slid off the bed. Her limbs felt slow and clumsy, like she was walking through water, all the air vanished from the room. They said nothing to each other, no explanations needed. When she reached him, after an agonising two steps that felt like a thousand, there was a pause as they looked at each other, drinking each other in. Waiting. For something to stop them, a sign that this was disaster, destruction, the end of all things. Nothing did.

When Mai placed a hand on his chest, Ben sighed as if the weight of the galaxy had been lifted from his shoulders. She leaned up slowly, deliberately, placing her lips on his with exaggerated care. She didn’t need to ask to know he had never been kissed before her, never been touched like she was touching him now, never been touched in _any_ way for longer than even he knew. His arms went around her, pressing her to his chest, and she gasped with surprise – somehow, she had not expected his body to be so warm. His lips burned as he kissed her. She wrapped her arms around his neck, one hand fisting in his soft hair, and clung to him like a drowning girl.

Mai led him backwards, guiding him with hands on his hips and his shoulder blades, never once breaking the kiss. She was no longer afraid of the consequences. What had she to be afraid of? Not Ben. He would never hurt her, she knew that now. Hux? Phasma? Snoke? The Resistance? What could they do to her, now that she had Ben, now that he had shown her the power inside her, the hidden strength she had never even imagined existed within her. As long as they had each other, they need never be scared again. She pulled him down on top of her, and he trembled in her arms as she kissed his neck, licking and sucking on the soft pale skin, stroking his back, his hair. He whimpered softly into her hair, rutting his erection helplessly into her groin.

Mai pushed Ben onto his back and straddled him, marvelling in his smooth, soft, freckle-scattered skin, the muscles moving beneath it as he pushed up a little on his elbows, even the twisted scar that marred his left side. The helpless adoration in his lust-blown brown eyes made her feel more powerful than every Jedi ever born. She leaned down to kiss him, exploring him with her tongue, delighting in the groans that vibrated into her mouth. His hands brushed up her back, pulling up her shirt softly, asking without even knowing what he wanted. She acquiesced, pulling off her shirt and discarding it. Ben’s breath stopped, the air knocked out of him. Trembling hands reached out, slow, reverent, to brush over her small breasts, the ghost of her ribs beneath her skin, the soft flat drum of her stomach. He was utterly fascinated by her, her unfathomably soft skin, the little constellation of birthmarks on her collarbone, her small skeletal hands on his cheeks as her dark eyes bore into his. He had never felt this close to anyone before. He could not remember the last time he had felt bare skin on his own; he had never held anyone like this, never in his life. Mai felt his starvation, his overwhelming need, and leaned in to press her body against his, letting him feel her, her heartbeat pressed against his own. For a few moments they lay like that, his frantic shivering vibrating through her.

“I don’t know what to do,” Ben murmured in her ear, voice thick and husky with emotion and lust. Mai sat up a little and kissed his forehead.

“It’s okay. I do.” _Just lie still, sweet. Let me take care of it._

Mai moved off him carefully, slowly, pulse pounding in her palms, her lips, heavy and reverberating in her chest. She knelt, keeping her weight on her haunches, her hands lightly pressing against his thighs. The room was so small and hot she could scarcely think. She sat back and ran a shaky hand through her hair once, to steady herself, and then undid his trousers slowly, carefully, as if trying not to spook a wild animal. He was already so wound up, still shivering uncontrollably with his thighs twitching spasmodically, that she feared to touch him, and when she uncovered his prick it was swollen and throbbing with arousal. Ben’s chest heaved, his fists clenched in the sheets, staring at her with wide eyes. She kissed his stomach softly and delighted in his gasp. Her hand stroked his cock carefully, long smooth movements as she leaned over to kiss his soft lips again, but only a few seconds passed before his hand shot up to grasp her wrist and stop her. His face was twisted in what almost looked like agony, lips trembling tears in his eyes as he gasped.

“T-too much – I can’t – please -”

Mai removed her hand immediately, stroking his hair, soothing him. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’ll go slower,” she whispered gently. This wouldn’t be easy. She sighed, sat up and backed away a little, right to the end of the bed, and slid her own shorts down over her hips. Then she went back to her position straddling his thighs, stroking his chest lightly, smiling at him a little. He looked so trusting, so vulnerable, and nothing like the man she’d thought he was. “It’s okay if you don’t last,” she murmured gently, “Just trust me. Trust me, Ben.”

“With my life,” he nodded, swallowing.

When she guided him inside her, she finally understood what the word _complete_ meant.

Ben stiffened. If he thought he was overwhelmed before, he was wrong. All he could do was lie back and let the indescribable sensations wash over him as she moved above him, ebbing and flowing and clenching around him. Everything was hot and wet and tight and her smooth, soft thighs gripping him and the expressions of lust and tenderness shifting across her lovely face. He shivered uncontrollably, moans and whimpers torn unwilling from his throat, his cock throbbing harder and aching more intensely with every thrust and turn. He watched through a white-hot haze as her hand brushed against the sensitive nub between her thighs and his own hand, unbidden, reached up to mirror her movements. Mai moaned soft and hot, the most wonderful sound Ben had ever heard, as his fingers brushed hers aside and resumed their gentle circular brushing motions, and she shuddered with delight, his name (his _real name,_ not the dehumanised pseudonym Snoke had forced on him) whispered over and over again, like a prayer. He could feel her pleasure, not just his own, could feel how happy she was to be in his arms, how she cared about him, and it brought tears to his eyes. The room throbbed and pulsed with heat. Ben felt Mai’s thighs twitch and she stiffened, and deep between his thighs he felt her clench and pulse and flutter around him. His name, half-screamed as if wrenched from her throat, echoed in his ears. Ben could no longer stand it, the overwhelming, white-hot pleasure, gathering like a storm in the pit of his stomach, and he remembered what Mai said about trusting her and let go.

Her orgasm had come upon her faster than she could ever remember, stars bursting behind her eyes, the combined pleasure of both their climaxes overwhelming her. Mai had never felt so full, so complete, so good. She came to her senses laid on Ben’s chest, heart thundering in time with his, sweat drying coolly on her skin. All she could feel was their combined, blinding joy. At some point, she realised, she had begun pressing little soft kisses just below his collarbone, where her lips naturally came to rest. His breath came out in a sigh, ruffling her hair, and a hand came up to stroke through the short damp strands.

“Now what?” he asked after an age, his voice still wobbly and unsure. Mai closed her eyes and sighed.

“Now we run.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so idk where i go from here but trust me. kylo ren is getting a good fucking redemption arc if i have to sneak into the lucasfilm offices and write it my damn self


End file.
